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flaming-shapeshifter · 2 months ago

Note

hello would u potentially feel like sharing some of the victorian sex slang you know im writing gay sex set in 1847 and im struggling :(

hello! I would be delighted to; there is no higher use for the truly excessive amount of victorian porn I've read than to aid in this endeavour

Two caveats before I get into it: one, the main source that I used when I was originally researching victorian porn is a series of publications from the late 1870s/80s (I'll link the wikisource version and talk about it more at the bottom) and as such may not reflect exact usage for the period you're writing. I don't *think* language usually changes that fast, but I'm not a linguist so thought it worth mentioning. Where possible I've tried to cross reference with the oxford english dictionary to determine first recorded english usage, but the censorship laws of the time and subsequent lack of digitisation can make it difficult sometimes to get an accurate picture of popular usage. Two, language has changed quite a bit since the 19th century--there's a good chance the average ao3 reader is going to be relying very very heavily on context for several of the more unfamiliar words below, while others have had their meanings change a fair bit since that time. Should you choose to use them regardless, I commend you for your dedication to accuracy.

anyway, without further ado, a whole bunch of victorian sex vocab:

Genitalia &c.

I'm not sure what parts are involved in your gay sex and I'm a completionist, so you're getting all of them

priapus: the penis. A more high-brow, classical reference to the greco-roman god of fertility. English usage has been a thing since at least the canterbury tales, but it's unclear exactly at what point the usage transitioned from referring solely to the god (as in the tales) to a physical penis between the 14th and mid-late 19th centuries. However a medical dictionary from 1842 lists the definition very matter-of-factly as "penis" as well, so you should be good to go, especially with more formally educated/wealthy characters

pego: the penis, again. This one's been around since at least the 17th century and does not appear to have any alternative meanings; it also hit its peak usage for the 19th century in 1850 (by appearances in published texts), so definitely a safe bet

cock: the penis. This one is possibly both the oldest and the most modern of the penis-related nouns here; we use it in our smut today and used in to pun about sex all the way back in 15th century middle english. If you want something both recognisable and period-appropriate, this is your word.

prick: the penis. Similarly to cock, though slightly less common as a neutral/eroticised noun nowadays in my experience, "prick" has been in use since at least the 16th century, and has the benefit of being recognisable to the modern reader, though the connotations may have shifted slightly

roger: the penis. Usage in reference to said organ has been occurring since at least the 17th century, but by the 19th, it seems to be mainly in comical contexts, i.e. bawdy poetry.

quim: the vulva/vagina. Dates back to at least the early 17th century; most examples cited in the oxford english dictionary come from verse before the mid 19th, after which point it's all casual or erotica-type references.

cunny: vulva/vagina. thought to be a variant on "coney," which can in British English refer either to the organ or to a rabbit; this term has been in use since the late 16th century.

pussy/pussey: the vulva/vagina. A relatively recent term when used with regards to genitalia, dating to the late 17th century and only really gaining popularity in the mid 19th century. Probably the least likely to be used (with the possible exception of verse), but one of the most recognisable to a modern reader

cunt: the vulva/vagina. You could write a period-appropriate-language black plague au with this one (as "cunte" per middle english spelling) and still have it be recognisable for the modern reader. 1847? fucking go for it

mons veneris: the mons pubis. Often capitalised as "Mons Veneris"; seems to get mentioned at least once in every pornographic story involving ciswomen, possibly due to the classical reference to Venus and its associations. Cismen also have this structure (though it's smaller due to the lower level of estrogen), but tragically it does not get the same veneration. Usage increased steadily from the mid 17th century and peaked in the late 1800s.

clitoris: the clitoris. Dates from at least the early 17th century and has grown in popularity ever since; "clit," in contrast, only appears in writing in the mid 20th century and would be rather anachronistic.

bubbies: the breasts, pretty much always a woman's. The spelling didn't transition to "booby"/"boobies" in reference to breasts until the early-mid 20th century (previously, as a noun, a "booby" was merely a fool); "bubbies" was the way to go from at least the 17th century up until that point

ballocks/bollox/bollocks: the testicles. Similarly to "pussey," I add this one mostly for the sake of spelling, which varied mostly between "ballocks" and "bollocks" but doesn't seem to be standardised in colloquial English spelling until the very late 20th century, if at all. In use since the 15th century.

British slang referring to the ass (bum, arse, &c.) generally translates pretty well to the point where I don't feel it necessary to give them their Victorian-specific entries.

Much like modern writing, the Victorians seemed to enjoy figurative language for their genitalia--horses are an unfortunately common point of comparison for penises, but "Cupid's dart" and "engine of love" are also common euphemisms. Cavern-related language and "gap of love" are their equals for the vagina, but overall, there's not many metaphors you could make up that would feel inappropriate to the era.

Actions

Presented in the infinitive form; normal English rules for verb conjugations/spelling generally apply.

gamahuche: to perform oral sex, most frequently on someone with a vagina. A borrowing from French as of the late 18th century that seems to have mostly died out in the modern day--I don't think I've ever heard someone say "gamahuche" out loud unless referencing Victorian pornography

frig: to finger someone/give a handjob, or (less frequently), stimulate them internally with a separate moving object. Worth noting that the meaning of this one does appear to refer more and more specifically to internal stimulation over the course of the late 19th and 20th centuries, but all uses should be appropriate for 1847.

fuck: to penetrate (or mimic penetration i.e. via intercrural sex) specifically with a penis. According to the Victorians, if there's not a penis involved, it doesn't realllly count as sex, which is part of why so much focus on homosexuality was specific to male/male homosexual activity (more on that later). This particular word has been in recognisable use since at least the 16th century, gets used frequently in the 19th in the appropriate situations, and is very recognisable to the modern reader; 10/10 would recommend. Also varies in usage by location such as in the case of "bum-fuck"

sodomy (n)/sodomise: to engage in any form of penetrative sex other than penile/vaginal, regardless of gender. Typically more legal terminology than colloquial, and pretty much always used in a negative sense of an "act against nature"; equals "cunt" and "cock" in antiquity as it dates back probably to the 14th century

bugger: to act as the penetrative party in anal sex with a phallic instrument (whether dildo or penis), regardless of gender. not quite as old a term as sodomy, being first found in legal writings in the 16th century, but definitely a more common-use term for the time.

pederasty: to engage in specifically male/male anal sex. As may be deduced from the word components, this carries the connotation of a large age gap between the persons involved, and may originate from the ancient greek practice of sexual apprenticeships (for lack of a better word) between a teenage-ish boy and an older man. Despite these connotations, it could be used to refer to any partnering of male/male sex, but tended to be a comparatively academic term. English written usage dates back to at least the early 17th century.

spend: to orgasm, particularly if fluids are involved (regardless of genitalia). In use since at least the 17th century and may carry connotations for the modern reader relating to the cultural emphasis on sex for the purpose of procreation alone

come: to orgasm. This one has been ol' reliable for smut writers since the earl 17th century at least and continues to be so today

Language tends to be more descriptive with regards to acts rather than using specific words--then again, one could consider that just another form of the "show, don't tell" maxim.

Items involved

French letter: a condom. This terminology would be very recent for '47, having only started appearing in English in the early 1840s--similarly, they would be made of treated linen or bladder/intestine (a "skin" condom) at the time, as rubber condoms were not produced until the 1850s

cundum/condom: a condom. An older term than the letter, though only by a century; the latter (modern) spelling dominates usage in the 19th century

godemiche: a dildo. Another loanword from french, this would also be fairly recent language, as it appears to have only entered written English usage in the early 1830s. Not a super common turn of phrase either way

dildoe/dildo: a dildo. In use in writing since the late 16th/early 17th century, the use of flexible materials such as leather or (in the latter half of the 19th century) vulcanised rubber allowed for the creation of ejaculating versions which could also be set in harnesses to be used as what we would now call a strap-on

On the subject of lube: "lube," unsurprisingly, is not a word in use at the time; nor, for that matter, is "lubricant" as we use it in reference to the wonderful additive for sexual intercourse today. In the works I've analysed, anal sex is mostly conducted using saliva or vaginal fluids as lubricant, if a lubricating substance is used at all; the one exception to this is a reference to "cold cream" used for male/male anal sex, which appears to be a perfumed spermaceti- and wax-based substance intended for skincare and has been in use since the early 19th century at least

Culture

identity: as you may be aware, "homosexuality" as a term didn't become a thing until the sexological period of the latter half of the 19th century; up until that era, anglophone culture didn't really have a conceptualisation of sexuality as an innate characteristic. Rather, sex acts were entirely something that you did, regardless of the genders involved, which is how we get period words like "tribade," which referred simply to women who had sex with women without concern for attraction.

legality: for britain specifically, male/male gay sex warranted a death sentence in regular courts up until 1861, after which the sentence changed to imprisonment--legal scholars at the time deemed this change likely to result in more successful prosecutions, as courts were previously hesitant to indict when doing so meant capital punishment. Female/female gay sex, in contrast, was completely ignored by the law, as said law was completely focused on penises. Similarly, american courts (which were based on british law) would later rule in the years surrounding the turn of the 20th century that oral sex performed on a penis was illegal regardless of gender due to being sodomitic in nature, but cunnilingus was perfectly fine.

social perception: similar to the law, male/male sex was regarded as taboo such that it was generally talked around rather than named up until sexology started gaining ground (sexological texts were then promptly blamed for teaching people how to do gay sex). Based on newspaper op-eds that I unfortunately don't have on hand right now, all-male settings such as sailing vessels (especially sailing vessels) were seen as particular bastions of such activity. female/female sex? generally disregarded as harmless, particularly in all-female settings such as schools.

Bonus

At least in the latter half of the century, impact play in the genital region (particular with a rod or "birch," but any flogging implement would seem to do) was treated in both pornographic and psycho-medical sexological texts as a commonly acknowledged method of attaining arousal, to the point that at least one author raised concerns about the continued use of flogging as punishment in boys' schools. Huzzah for Victorian kink friendliness, I guess?

Further Reading/References

Unless otherwise noted, all etymology, usage trends, and century of (written) origin is based on the Oxford English Dictionary.

"The Pearl: A Journal of Facetiæ and Voluptuous Reading." William Lazenby, London Society of Vice, 1879-1881. https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Pearl.

This is the Victorian porn publication I mentioned earlier, notable for its portrayals of gay sex compared to Lazenby's later publications such as The Oyster. Should you choose to do your own reading, it's worth noting that stories tend to involve topics of major consent issues, incest, underage sex and pedophilia, and period-typical misogyny, and racism. An interesting note about this particular publication is that it was relatively expensive for its time--apparently, the upper class liked their illicit gay smut.

Robley Dunglison • Medical Lexicon. A New Dictionary of Medical Science, containing a concise account of the various subjects and terms, … and formulae for … preparations etc • 3rd edition, 1842

For the medical definition of "priapus" as it refers to the penis.

Hernández, Anna. “Mons Pubis: What Is It, Location, and More | Osmosis.” Osmosis, January 6, 2025. https://www.osmosis.org/answers/mons-pubis.

Aine Collier (2007). The Humble Little Condom: A History. Buffalo, N.Y: Prometheus Books.

Beyond the scope of this post, for the most part, but if you're interested in writing period-accurate safer sex practices, it may be worth a look.

Saunders, T., and Edward Cox. The Criminal Law Consolidation Acts, 1861: The Other New Criminal Statutes and Parts of Statutes of the Sessions 1861 and 1862; Together With A Digest of the Criminal Cases Decided by The Court of Criminal Appeal, The Superior Courts, the Central Criminal Court, and on the Circuits. From 1848 to 1862. 2nd ed. London: J. Crockford, 1862.

Includes contemporary legal analyses of the changes to British legal punishment of male homosexual activity, as mentioned in the Culture section.

Richard von Krafft-Ebing, Psychopathia Sexualis, with Especial Reference to Contrary Sexual Instinct: A Medico-Legal Study., trans. Charles Gilbert Chaddock, 7th ed. (Philadelphia; London: F.A. Davis Co., 1892).

Psycho-medical perspectives on homosexuality and other "abnormal" sexual tendencies in the late Victorian era; contains a whole bunch of autobiographical testimonies. The downside is that anything touching on homosexual activity (which for academics at the time also included gender non-conformity) has been censored by being translated to Latin; you'll need to look at the 1960s or later for a fully English translation.

B. R. Burg. Boys at Sea: Sodomy, Indecency, and Courts Martial in Nelson's Navy. New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2007.

A look specifically at social attitudes in the purportedly all-male spaces of naval vessels; though slightly earlier (~1790-1820) than the 1847 time period, it stands to reason that characters familiar with that environment may continue to bear attitudes shaped by it. Unfortunately it may be difficult to access without being able to go through a university-level library system.

Lorraine Rumson, “Kink in the Time of Sexology: An Interdisciplinary Approach to ‘Abnormal Sexuality’ in Victorian Culture,” in Kink and Everyday Life: Interdisciplinary Reflections on Practice and Portrayal, 1st ed. (Bingley, UK: Emerald Publishing Limited, 2021).

An interesting analysis of social attitudes based on pornographic depictions, and contains further resources for Victorian pornography--unfortunately, I no longer have the book on hand to give specific names of texts, but they do exist ("Venus in Furs" is one that I do recall); alternatively, if you want older pornographic works, "Fanny Hill" and anything by the Marquis de Sade are worth looking into, albeit with the same content warnings as I mention for The Pearl.

Donald Hall. “Teaching Victorian Pornography: Hermeneutics and Sexuality.” Victorian Review 34, no. 2 (2008): 19–25. http://www.jstor.org/stable/27793665.

Another resource for identifying Victorian pornographic works, and this one's easily available on JSTOR if you have access or scihub if you don't.

#history #language #victorian era #based on the year and certain other factors I'm 99% sure I know which fandom anon is writing for so I'm also tagging this #the terror #writeblr #I'm adding this post to the counter of times I've stayed up past two in the morning writing about victorian sex in the last month #it's at about half a dozen now #reference

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solarstranger · 27 days ago

Text

DESPERATE TIMES (DESPERATE MEASURES) (4.5k)

pairing. k. bakugou x reader

synopsis. you like taking care of your boyfriend—there's no doubt about that—although something tells you he likes it more than he's letting on. unusually determined to uncover the truth, you conjure up a plan to confirm it once and for all. (or: in which you try to prove that bakugou has a mommy kink) (read on ao3)

c.w. minors dni. fem!reader, pro-hero!katsuki, aged-up, post-ch 431: more, lots of cussing AND banter, explicit themes (which i will not delve into for the element of surprise, but be warned), i don't know what the fuck this is honestly. seriously

a/n. i wouldn't be here writing this author's note if it weren't for @sugarwarachan's drabble which changed something fundamental in me. thank you, andy, for forwarding this very important headcanon. i owe you my nonexistent first-born <3 hope you enjoy whatever the hell this is. i, for one, have no idea what this is.

Your plan officially commences the second you hear the familiar click of the door knob unlocking.

With a glance towards the direction of the living room, you automatically reach for the stove’s controls, turning the dial from medium to low heat in one swift, practiced maneuver. The sizzling sound simmers down in response, the resulting lull highlighting the creaking noise your front door’s hinges make whenever it’s put to use, reminding you once again of the lubricating task you’ve promised Bakugou you’d complete and yet continue to put off.

“I’m home.”

You decide then and there, however, that that’s not exactly the kind of job you’re going for—at least, not tonight.

And so with a few pats on the imaginary wrinkles on your rarely used, more-for-performative-purposes-than-not apron, you take a deep breath and finally head towards the entryway.

“Welcome home, Kats,” you warmly greet the unassuming pro-hero, who is silently toeing off his sneakers with his back turned against you—at least, until he moves his head to regard you, and the first thing you immediately notice is that he’s sweaty—most likely from his commute home.

Perfect.

“Was it hot outside?” you make sure to ask extra sweetly just as you take a step closer towards the man, reaching out to gently wipe the perspiration from his forehead. Bakugou visibly stiffens at the contact, although he eventually relaxes and shoots you a murmured response when you offer to take his duffel bag off of him, followed by his black and white windbreaker.

“How was your day?” you ask good-naturedly, gaze never leaving his as you hang the jacket on the hook by your foyer. You watch as Bakugou eyes you for a second before shrugging.

“It was fine, I guess,” comes his terse reply, gruff voice betraying his obvious caution. You try to play it off and keep going, plopping his bag on its usual spot on one of the sofas, although you can practically feel him still eyeing the material that’s draped over your frame.

“Fine is good enough for now,” you quip, walking back towards the ash-blonde with a smile and your hands clasped behind you. “You’re still recovering, after all.”

“I told you–I’m fine,” Bakugou insists with a small frown, and before you can argue with him on that, he drones on. “What’s that you’re wearing, anyway?”

“Oh, this?” you look down at the checkered fabric, “It’s my apron.”

“No shit. I meant, why are you wearing that?”

“Ah,” you say, grinning now. “I’ve decided to make you your favorite today. To celebrate your first day back after getting sick and all that.”

At that, Bakugou huffs exasperatedly, although there’s no denying the smile that’s tugging at his lips. “I forgot I can always count on you to make an event out of anything.”

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment,” you retort flippantly, spinning on your heel before heading towards the kitchen.

“Are you seriously making mapo tofu?” Bakugou asks from a few feet behind you, just as you take your spatula and mix the ingredients for the nth time that night. You’re not exactly sure what you’re doing, but you did follow the recipe down to the T, which you think has to count for something.

“I hope I am,” you find yourself joking honestly, reaching for one of the small spoons and scooping a bit of the red sauce. You’re in the middle of blowing on the utensil when you feel an arm loop around your waist, and you look to your left to see a blank-faced Bakugou, staring down at your pan.

“Looks like it,” comes his impassive comment, although judging by the tick in his eyebrow, you’d wager he’s impressed.

“You wanna taste it?” you ask, bringing the spoon a few inches up to his lips. Bakugou nods without missing a beat, opening his mouth and devouring the tiny portion in one massive bite.

You can only watch as a plethora of emotions dance across Bakugou’s features.

“How is it?” you can’t help but inquire.

Bakugou nods again, only this time more insistently, peering back at the dish as if to check if what he’s tasting is real. “Fuck,” he drawls, “That’s good.”

“Thank god,” you chuckle, slowly shifting back towards the stove with your head bowed down, “Because I wouldn’t know what to do myself if I—”

You trail off, pausing when your eyes snag on Bakugou’s joggers.

Particularly, the front of it.

Which—shit—if you didn’t know any better, is bulgi—

Bakugou suddenly clears his throat, and your head snaps up to meet his eyes.

“—I-if I messed it up,” you barely manage to finish, punctuating it with an awkward laugh. “I’d be crushed,” you add on, hoping he didn’t notice you staring just now.

If he did, though, he doesn’t make it apparent.

“You’re good,” Bakugou says convincingly, looking at the pan then at you. “It tastes amazing.”

“Well, thank you,” you respond gratefully, finally twisting the switch off. “Now, go. Sit down. Food’ll be served in a second.”

“But—”

“No buts, Katsuki,” you interject sternly, not even bothering to look at the man, “Let me take care of you.”

Thankfully, and to your surprise, Bakugou doesn’t say anything in protest, only walking towards your modest dining table, albeit begrudgingly, where he quietly waits for you—watchful—as you flutter around doing final touches and preparing the spread for your meal.

“What about you?” he asks, frowning, when he notices that you only set a place mat for one—right in front of him.

“I’m not that hungry,” comes your swift response, not letting his questioning stall you as you pour a hefty serving into a bowl.

“But—”

“What did I say about buts, Kats?” you tut, placing the helping before him.

Bakugou grumbles, but accepts the plateful anyway.

And when he doesn’t get started on the food as you settle yourself in the seat beside him: “What?”

“…Nothing,” he says lowly, shaking his head, “It’s just weird.”

“What is?”

The pro-hero hesitates. “You’re—I don’t know…acting like a mom, or something.”

Oh, shit.

“Yeah?” you try to laugh, hoping the jig isn’t up yet. “Well, sue me. I like taking care of you.”

To that, Bakugou doesn’t say anything, only scooping a spoonful of spicy tofu into his mouth. You don’t press him for a response, although there’s little to no denying the pink that’s now dusting the high points of his cheeks.

You take that as a good sign.

You also take that as a sign to steer the conversation for now, swerving it to the topic of Kirishima and Midoriya and how they’ve been doing, as well as how the agency held up without him for the last few days. Bakugou humors you enough, answering your questions with significantly more details than he usually would divulge to any other person who isn’t you, although you can tell something is bothering him from the way his eyebrows are slightly furrowed, almost as if a lot is churning in his mind and yet he can’t bring himself to bring any of them up.

You patiently wait for him to finish the last bit of mapo tofu before launching Step 2.

“Oh, shit,” you startle, causing Bakugou to minutely flinch in his seat. You flash him a sheepish expression.

“I forgot I still have my apron on,” you explain, reaching for your back as you stand up, untying the ribbons that are keeping the fabric together. You make sure to never let your gaze leave Bakugou’s face as you slowly go through the motions, which you think must be mesmerizing enough, judging by the way he’s seemingly transfixed on what you’re wearing.

That is, up until you pull the material off of you, exposing the ridiculously low-cut blouse underneath.

You swear it happens in slow motion—how Bakugou’s eyes widen in sheer surprise at the sight of your cleavage—as well as how he quickly looks away not a minute later, although you figure it must’ve happened in a span of only a few seconds.

But what you surely don’t miss is how they lingered ever so slightly before he averted them, opting to stare down his almost empty bowl instead.

The almost empty bowl that you reach for after tossing the apron to the side—making sure to lean forward just ever so inconspicuously to give him the full view—the view he refuses to look at by keeping his head bowed, even as he strains for the same bowl.

“I got it,” he says.

“No,” you disagree, pulling the bowl towards you, “I’ll wash the dishes.”

“You already cooked,” he argues, yanking the porcelain and still refusing to look up at you, “Let me do this.”

“And you need to rest,” you retort, tugging slightly, but his hold is firm.

“Jesus, Y/N, just let me—” Pull.

“No, you need to go—” Another pull.

“…Fine—”

“Just—”

Your eyes bug out in shock when Bakugou’s unexpected relenting registers, but it’s too late. You’ve already jerked the container towards you—hard—hard enough that, without Bakugou’s opposite pull, the bowl flips in your hands, and you fumble to catch its contents, but fail.

Instead, they land on your blouse, just barely missing the exposed flesh.

“Shit,” you curse, just as Bakugou comments: “That’s gonna leave a nasty ass stain.”

Reflexively, you lift your hand to touch where the sauce landed, but stop when Bakugou grabs your wrist just in time, holding you in place.

“Spreading it will only make it worse, dumbass,” the ash-blonde explains when you only look at him in feigned confusion. He heaves a heavy sigh, “Let me get some tissue and alcohol.”

“They’re—uh—they’re in the cabinet next to the refrigerator,” you call out to the pro-hero as he promptly walks into the other room, who only grunts in reply.

Now, you didn’t mean for this to happen—spilling red sauce on your new blouse definitely wasn’t part of the plan—although it doesn’t take too long for you to realize that this is something you can work with.

You were adaptable like that.

Which is why, when Bakugou returns with a few squares of alcohol-soaked 3-ply tissue in hand, the first thing you do just as he hands them over to you is puff up your chest.

And for a moment, the only response Bakugou can muster is a blink.

Then: “…What are you doing?”

You look at him expectantly, as if the answer is obvious. “I’m waiting for you to clean it off me, dummy.”

As if on cue, and probably for the first time since your not-so-grand reveal, Bakugou’s gaze finally darts down from yours to your chest, where it stays there for what feels like an eternity, before it’s lifted back to hold yours.

Then he says the most out-of-pocket thing ever.

“I need to go pee.”

That’s all the foreboding you get before Bakugou practically spins on his heel and marches towards your bedroom, speeding comically when he realizes you’re chasing after him by the sound of your footsteps, until you’re basically running after him. But there’s only so much you can do to compensate for your relatively smaller strides, and you’ve barely crossed the threshold of your bedroom when Bakugou manages to lunge into your main bathroom, immediately shutting the door in your face before you can shriek out a strangled ‘wait!’

For a moment, you debate whether or not to call out to him on the other side of the door. After all, you’ve done stranger things than stand outside the bathroom while your boyfriend allegedly took a piss, although something tells you that’s not exactly the case in this particular situation. It’s this very thought that propels you to wait him out instead, albeit with your ear plastered right against the door, straining for any evidence of his honesty.

(Okay. Maybe this is the strangest thing yet.)

However, it never comes.

What does ensue is deafening silence.

A few more minutes of stillness pass before you finally call the shots and knock.

“Katsuki?” you begin, “Are you okay?”

“Hah? Yeah, I said I was just gonna pee.”

“But you haven’t peed yet,” you point out despite your better judgment.

You wait for his reply for a beat, but it never comes. At that, you press your ear further into the cool wood—a motion that you quickly realize is a rookie mistake the instant Bakugou swings the door open not a second later, causing you to stumble forward, barely missing colliding into the pro-hero himself.

Shit.

He’s scowling now. “The fuck are you doing listening in on me?”

“I was just—” you start, scrambling for an excuse as you straighten up, craning your neck to meet his incredulous stare, “—You walked out, so—”

You falter, looking down, finally unable to sustain his gaze.

Although what does end up sustaining yours is the unmistakable sight of his dick visibly straining against his joggers.

At that, you can’t help it—you immediately look up, a smile tugging at your lips. “You’re—”

“Don’t.”

“You’re har—”

“Shut the fuck up, Y/N.”

“Was it me asking you to clean up my shirt?” You begin to ask just as he expertly slips past you, heading out of the bathroom and into your bedroom. You hurry after him. “Or my shirt itself? Because it’s pretty sexy, don’t you think? Or was it—”

Whatever probable reason dies in your tongue when Bakugou abruptly stops and turns in front of you, and you—once again—barely miss colliding into him.

With the newfound proximity, you take the split-second opportunity to look up to study his face, only to find out that the bashful pink from earlier has now morphed into an embarrassed red.

Embarrassment that you know he’s masking as anger, even as he grits out another command for you to shut up.

Instead, you stare at him for a beat.

Then—

“Was it me babying you?” you blurt, “Because I—”

“What?”

“Because I honestly enjoy it, too,” you finish off, ignoring the way he’s looking at you like you’ve officially lost it, “And there’s no shame in it. I swear.”

“…Nobody in this motherfucking house has a mommy kink, Y/N.”

“Speak for yourself,” you babble, “I do.”

“What?”

A pregnant pause.

“I mean,” you laugh awkwardly, “Not to be weird but—”

You’re cut off and can only yelp in surprise when—so abruptly you never, ever saw it coming—Bakugou lurches forward and smashes his lips against yours.

The assault is so sudden that you can’t help but moan at the feeling of his mouth against yours, your arms immediately circling around his neck just as his hands find their way towards your hips, gripping you so tightly you’d worry about bruising if it were another typical day.

But today isn’t typical.

Not with the way Bakugou’s frantically shoving his tongue inside your mouth, hungrily licking around as if he’s looking for something, all the while as he lifts you by your thighs and onto your king-sized bed, where he lays you down gently—entirely juxtaposing the way he just handled you a second ago.

“I knew it,” you whisper when Bakugou pulls away for air, temporarily sitting on his haunches as you gaze up at him.

“Knew what,” he rasps for a beat, before diving right back in and encasing your lips in another searing kiss, his wandering hands seemingly having a mind of their own as they rub at everywhere and anywhere, while yours grip onto his shirt.

“That I—mmm—make you—hard—”

“You always make me hard,” Bakugou huffs against your lips, biting on the lower before soothing it with a smooth lick. “It’s just w-what you—mmm—do to me.”

“Yeah, but—” you start, gasping when Bakugou moves down to the crook of your neck, biting down on your pulse point, “—I just always thought I w-was—fuck—the only one who’s into—you k-know.”

“I wasn’t sure of it myself,” Bakugou answers honestly against your neck, leaving a trail of kisses down the expanse of it. “Until you fucking confirmed it with your shitshow tonight.”

At that, you can’t help but choke out a delighted laugh. Bakugou pulls away, propped up on his palms, grinning despite himself.

“Do you wanna try it out, then?” you find yourself asking after a bout of comfortable silence, your fingers absentmindedly scratching the back of his head.

Bakugou shifts ever so minutely at your query, expression uncertain. “How exactly are we gonna do that?”

“I’m not sure,” you say truthfully, “But I have an idea.”

To that, Bakugou nods.

“Do you—” you find yourself stammering, suddenly feeling unsure yourself, “Do you trust me on this?”

“Of course,” Bakugou answers without missing a beat, pressing a soft peck on your cheek. “I always trust you.”

At that, you shoot him a grateful smile. And, because there’s really no better way to show your affection in this exact moment than to give him what he wants, you decide to go for it.

You school your face into a bored expression—a shift that Bakugou immediately picks up on, causing him to gulp in anticipation as you sit up from where you’re lying, right until your back is against the headboard and Bakugou’s back to sitting on his haunches, staring at you.

“…I noticed you’ve been trying not to look at my chest since I took off that apron a while ago,” you begin, bringing a hand up to play with your topmost button. “Care to explain why that is?”

“I j-just wanted to be respectful,” comes Bakugou’s gruff response, his initially stern gaze wavering ever so slightly when you finally undo the first button, further exposing more of your cleavage.

“Respectful, huh,” you repeat, as if parroting the word will make it any less false. “You sure you wanna keep going that route?”

Another button. This time, Bakugou’s eyes dart down long enough to study your chest, now barely covered by the thin fabric of your shirt. You tamp down the pang of arousal that shoots through you under the heat of his scrutiny.

“Is that a no?” you ask when he doesn’t any anything back, pausing for a second before letting your fingers fall to the third and final button. “I need you to answer, Katsuki.”

“I-if I say no,” Bakugou says instead, voice rough, “Will you let me touch them?”

You smile. “Only if you ask nicely.”

Bakugou gulps again. “Ask nicely how?”

“You’re a smart boy,” you quip, “What do you think?”

At that, Bakugou stares at you for another brief moment, the gears in his head visibly turning before realization finally dawns on his features, and he all but flames.

“I can’t say that.”

You laugh, momentarily breaking character. “Yes, you can, if you want to get any action tonight.”

“But it’s fucking embarrassing.”

“So is sex in general, so you’re good.”

“But—” Bakugou stammers, cheeks reddening, “Calling you mommy?”

“See? There you go. You’ve said it. Now say it again, but properly.”

“If I say it,” Bakugou tries again, still obviously flustered and fighting to keep a steady tone, “D-do you promise to let me touch them?”

“Like I said,” you chuckle, “Ask nicely and find out.”

“Jesus.”

“You’ve done harder things before, Katsuki,” you remind him, making sure to let your seriousness show this time. “This absolutely pales in comparison.”

To that, Bakugou doesn’t throw anything back at you, choosing to heave a shaky sigh instead. Another bout of tense silence passes before he finally speaks again.

“…Fine,” Bakugou spews, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. “Will you let me touch your tits?”

A beat passes without you uttering a word.

“Jesus,” he mutters under his breath, shaking his head, like he can’t quite believe the situation he’s put himself in. “…Please?”

“Please, what?”

“…Mommy?”

You can’t help it—you break into a grin. “Thought you’d never ask, baby.”

You don’t waste another second in shimmying off your top, chest further puffing out in pride when you hear Bakugou curse the moment it’s finally off of you, revealing your breasts in all their naked glory.

To your pleasant surprise, Bakugou stays put and doesn’t make a move on you until you verbally tell him he can touch you, although when you do, it’s like a magical switch flips inside of him, turning him into a rabid dog, immediately taking a nipple inside his mouth as he fondles with the other breast with his hand.

And when you chastise him for being so forward, he only responds with a muffled ‘’s still counts as touching,’ before continuing on sucking and groping roughly at your chest.

Well. He wasn’t exactly wrong.

Not many words are further exchanged aside from the occasional asking for permission and granting access as Bakugou slowly works his way down your body, leaving a trail of kisses and love bites throughout the expanse of your stomach, making sure that no inch of flesh is left untouched.

It’s only when you’re wiggling your clothed hips in desperation does Bakugou get the signal to get a move on, tugging your shorts and panties down in one go, but not before asking if he has the permission to do so. In your desperation to have his mouth on where you need him the most, you end up forgetting the dynamics for a split second and moan a whiny ‘please’, a lapse that Bakugou thankfully doesn’t comment on, although you can tell his smiling by the way his lips are upturned against your inner thigh.

This time, Bakugou doesn’t bother to ask for permission—not when you practically grab him by the hair and thrust up into his face—a gesture that the ash-blonde instantly registers as a sign to start eating you out, starting with a long stripe down your slick slit. You don’t attempt to tamp down your moans as Bakugou descends into alternating between frantically lapping at your pussy and thrusting his rigid tongue into your pulsing hole—in and out, in and out—all the while making eye contact as he peers up at you with half-lidded eyes that makes you want to scream.

And you do scream—if your moans as he toyed with your clit don’t count then your cries as he finally drove you towards the edge and then some with the lethal combination of his mouth and fingers definitely do. So much so that you end up having to swat Bakugou away from your spasming pussy when he doesn’t listen to your demands for him to stop—that it was getting too much—much to his chagrin.

“I thought I told you to stop,” you glare at the pro-hero who’s still lying on his stomach between your legs a few moments later, bare chest heaving in exertion. “What the hell am I going to do with you?”

“You let me fuck you,” Bakugou answers simply, swollen lips morphed into a smirk. “I made you feel good, didn’t I? Don’t I deserve a reward?”

“Rewards are only for good boys.”

“And aren’t good boys the ones who make you cum?”

You frown.

Touché.

“…Fine,” you huff, sitting up and gesturing for Bakugou to do the same. “I guess you’ve been good enough.”

“Fucking finally,” Bakugou all but groans, lifting himself to a sitting position. “I’m about to fucking nut.”

“Is there anything you want to do?” you ask instead, choosing to look past his vulgar, albeit pleasing remark. “Anything new?”

Bakugou thinks for a moment. “Actually,” he drawls, “There is something.”

At that, you perk up. “What is it?”

“Fucking Dunce Face introduced me to it,” Bakugou spews disgustedly, as if he can’t believe he’s citing Kaminari during sex of all times. “Tit fucking, or whatever the fuck they call it.”

Oh.

“But if you don’t feel up for it, it’s fucking fine—”

“No, no, no,” you quickly interject, waving your hand like that’ll make him stop before he gets to finish his sentence. “I want to do it. If you want to.”

“Yeah,” Bakugou gulps, voice hoarse. “I do.”

“Great,” you chirp, shifting in your seat awkwardly. “How do we do it?”

“You—uh—lie down on your back,” Bakugou motions for you to do it, and you follow, “and I—wait—shit, I still have my clothes on.”

You chuckle as Bakugou not-so-nonchalantly tugs his shirt off by his nape, although the laughter immediately dies down as soon as you catch a glimpse of his ridiculously defined abs, even more so when Bakugou steps out of his joggers and boxers, revealing his fully erect dick that’s now dripping with pre-cum.

“I’ve never seen you this hard, Katsuki,” you say as Bakugou climbs your body, up until he’s once again sitting on his haunches and hovering over your chest.

“Yeah, well, shit happens.”

At that, you grin up at him. “By shit you mean discovering you have a mommy kink?”

“Can I fuck your tits now?” Bakugou huffs instead, clearly thinking about more important things besides admitting to having a new kink. “I’m about to blow my load.”

You flash the ash-blonde an understanding smile at that, making a mental note to save the teasing for next time.

You’ve got a good boy to reward, after all.

And so, bringing your hands up to push your boobs firmly together, you finally say it.

“Fuck my tits, Katsuki.”

The last thing Bakugou needs is to be told twice.

At your signal, the ash-blonde starts with slow, measured thrusts at first, letting his stiff cock rub up and down the valley between your breasts, although it doesn’t take long for his pace to quicken, albeit faltering completely when you decide to crane your neck forward and take the tip in your mouth whenever he thrusted forward. It takes him a second to get back to a steady rhythm with the added sensation of your mouth wrapped around his length—a combination so good that he eventually abandons any attempt at keeping quiet and lets his moans free instead at your insistent encouragement. There’s only so much you can do to quell the rising ache between your thighs at that point, although you settle for rubbing your legs together for now, your undivided attention directed towards Bakugou’s own pleasure.

Bakugou’s own pleasure that only expands exponentially until he finally pushes one last time, shooting his load on your breasts, the sight of which fully covered in his cum only spurring him to ride out his orgasm that lasts in several waves, before he finally collapses on top of you, completely wiped out.

Neither of you bothers to make a move for the next few minutes, although it’s a sweaty Bakugou who first lifts his head to look at you.

Without thinking, you reach up to wipe the perspiration off his forehead, which—surprisingly enough—makes him grin.

“What?” you can’t help but ask, brows furrowed.

“Do that again,” Bakugou intones, “And I’m gonna fuck you for real.”

˗ˏˋ while likes are appreciated, they don’t do much on tumblr! if you want to support me and writers in general, reblogs, replies, and tags are the way to go. feel free to drop an ask, too—i’d love to chat. have a nice day! ´ˎ

#andy lmk if you want me to remove the tag! i just figured i link your user as well for those who want to check you out directly <3 #bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #bnha x reader #re: bakugou katsuki #eeya.docx

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malusokay · 8 months ago

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Haiii !! I'm obsessed with your blog. Do you have any tips for staying motivated? I wanna better my life and I have all the resources to do so. it's just motivation that's the problem 😓😓

surround yourself with inspiration.

for me, my friends are one of my biggest motivations—having people around who inspire and encourage you to grow is everything.

it’s not just about support; it’s about energy. being in a circle of people who push you, directly or indirectly, to be better is so important.

don’t lose sight of your goals.

always keep in mind what you’re working for, whether it’s an academic milestone or something personal. knowing your “why” makes the process so much easier.

when you have a clear picture of what you’re striving for, working hard feels purposeful instead of just tiring.

set HUGE goals, and then work backwards.

start with the biggest, boldest goal, then break it down into smaller, manageable steps that fill the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.

here’s what I mean: let’s say you’re in high school, and your ultimate goal is Cambridge.

you now → finishing an essay → getting a specific grade → finding balance → acing exams → writing your personal statement → Cambridge.

this is a very vague example, but the idea is to create a roadmap where every step feels doable—and every step brings you closer. you guys get my point hahaha

find balance to avoid burnout.

I’m a total workaholic, and spending time on things that don’t align with my main goals usually makes me feel horrible. but balance is non-negotiable.

for me, balance means baking with my friends, diving into hobbies that challenge me outside of academia, reading something complex but unrelated to my studies, or creating content like this to inspire others.

whatever it looks like for you, find something that lets you reset and recharge.

visualise, but don’t let it become procrastination.

I’m all for making Pinterest boards and visualising your dream life and I highly recommend doing it because it ties into the whole “don’t lose sight of your goals” idea.

BUT: overplanning can become its own trap. making endless lists, moodboards, or ideas without ever starting the actual work is just procrastination in a prettier outfit.

so yes, make your Pinterest board, set your goals, but don’t stop there. Start taking action, even if it’s just one small step today.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you the very best on your journey, if you (or anyone else hahah) have more questions regarding this, just let me know, and we can dive into this topic a little deeper. <3

my insta @ malusokay

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toxycodone · 9 months ago

Text

Monster Fucker's Journal : Introduction

ship. laios touden x reader, reader x various monsters

chapter content: nsfw, masturbation + desc of monster sexual organs. reader is gender neutral but there is references to a clit and getting wet.

read on ao3 | click here for masterlist | next chapter (coming soon!)

Holding the wooden bowl up to your lips, you take the last sip of the broth, savoring the taste on your tongue.

Goddamn. Monster food is tasty. Never in your life did you think you'd be trying Giant Scorpion hot pot, but you're thanking every deity watching from above you're now able to say you tried it.

This is much better than Laios's odd first attempt at cooking these creatures. Despite his amassment of knowledge, cooking does not seem to be one of them.

Despite Marcille's claims of food poisoning and incessant whining, you still decided to give the meal Senshi prepared a taste, and you're glad you did. The flavor was rich, yet earthy...reminding you of the nice soup served at that tavern on the surface.

But this one was better. Much better. It's actually made from monsters! How fascinating!

Laios Touden thought he was the only monster lover around, often regarding himself as an outcast. That is, until he met you. You started out as a usual recruit--someone experienced enough to hold their own but green enough to not punish his wallet. The longer you spent alongside the blonde, the more his interests started to grow on you. The most prominent being monsters.

He seemed to grow quite fond of you as well, sharing his thoughts and theories with you in the little amount of spare time you shared during rest hours and between missions. Listening to him speak about the creatures always lifted the burden of the day off your shoulders. Laios is always so passionate when you get him going. His eyes glimmer with interest, tone so full of ardent affection--you can't help but watch with a lovesick grin.

You wonder if he could feel the same type of way for a person. That person hopefully being you.

Nearby, Laios sits on his bedroll. His large hands slap against the broad midriff of his armor, cauisng the sound of hollow metal to resonate in your ears. It snaps you out of your thoughts.

"That was good!"

His face is curled into a smile, a light flush on his face. You take a moment to appreciate the view. From the corner of your eye, you spot Chilchuck peering at you with a raised brow. Your eyes dart away, focusing elsewhere.

There's a nudge at your shoulder.

"Hey." Laios regards you with wide, curious smile. "How'd you like it? Good, right?"

You nod your head, then explain how different--yet delicious, the food was. In the back of your mind, you always wondered how monsters tasted, or hell, if they were even edible. Today, you can mark that off your bucket list.

His smile spreads from ear to ear now. If anything could radiate pure sunshine, it would be this man.

"Glad to hear it! You know..." He pulls a notebook from below the collar of his armor. It's comical enough to make you snort lightly. "I should take some notes."

Laios begins to scribble down what he's learned so far about the anatomy of walking mushrooms, giant scorpions, and of course--how to prepare them for consumption.

That journal...

Its cover is frayed, edges worn from overuse. There's a plethora of dog eared pages that sport tears and colorful tabs alike. Each page is covered top to bottom in notes you've been dying to read.

Laios promised a while ago let you take a look at it. However, he always seems to be too busy writing to ever give you the chance. Just looking at it makes you sigh. Oh, how you'd kill to get a peek into his mind. You're sure there's quite a bit of knowledge to be found perusing those pages.

The scribbling stops. The man shuts his book, before setting it back into its resting place inside its armor.

"Well, we should check out the path ahead. The first floor might not be too dangerous, but one should always take dungeon crawling seriously." Laios stands up, stretching a bit. The other party members move with him, but he holds out a hand.

"You guys stay here. Let your food disgest. It shouldn't take too long for me to check the path ahead."

The smile on his face is gentle, genuine. You don't understand how others have grown to ostracize the man. He's the most caring person you've met since arriving on the island.

Chilchuck and Marcille seem more relieved than anything. The two gorged themselves on monster food, so the rest is likely well needed. That speaks especially for the elf. Her stamina isn't the best, so traversing the dungeon right away on a full stomach seems like a recipe for disaster. Senshi gives a gentle nod and moves instead to pack his cooking supplies.

Laios picks up his sword and moves to the exit. You stand up too now, grabbing your things and following after him.

"Hm?" Laios, unsuspecting of your presence, is surprised. "Don't you want to stay with the others? I can handle this alone."

You shake your head. Despite his claims, you're not letting Laios venture out by himself. Plus, what if he spots a cool monster? If you can't peek at his journal, then you're gonna gather just as much firsthand experience as he has.

And the blonde doesn't fight you on the topic. Unbeknownst to you, your presence is always a welcome one to him. You both venture into the corridor leading to the second floor.

No matter how much time passes, it's always difficult to get used to the dim lighting within the dungeon. Gentle torchlight illuminates your path, which you're thankful for, but also a bit miffed about. Couldn't they have picked something larger? Brighter? If you were the Dungeon Lord, you would've replaced them with something different by now.

Wait...who the hell is lighting all those things in the first place?

Wait. Not important.

Instead, you focus on following in Laios's heavy footsteps. His leather boots tread lightly on the stone floor, barely echoing along the similarly crafted walls. There's a little tinkering noise from his breastplate, which you can only assume is the journal moving around in his armor. Thank goodness you're on a higher floor. That noise would be a dead giveaway for a monster.

This is probably the least dangerous hallway in the dungeon, no traps or other dangers to be found beside the occasional slime or walking mushroom. However, your party leader always feels the need to tread safely.

The familiar stale air surrounds your senses. To others, it's sickening. To you, it's homey. You're in your element now.

Laios halts, almost causing you to bump into him. Before you can ask a question, he turns to face you.

"I'm gonna head down the staircase real quick, then our little expedition should be over."

You nod. It's a cramped space. There's no need for you to both go down. If he needs any backup, you'll only be a shout away.

Before descending, he reaches in his armor, then pulls out the journal. Laios rests it in your hands.

"Can you take care of this?" He asks, almost bashfully. "I don't wanna make too much noise going down to the second floor. Or risk getting it damaged if a monster is waiting by the entrance..."

God, his expression is cute. He cases so much about this personal journal...why is he so adorable? Of course you'll protect it.

With an expression of gratitude, Laios takes off down the staircase, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Its a bit of a bummer. You've been down this corridor without any sight of a monster. Hell, the entire first floor had more action. What's the deal with this place...?

Then, you're reminded of the book in your hand.

Now, you know you should be keeping a watchful eye for monsters and listening out for a distress call from Laios...but things have been so boring. There's no harm in a little light reading, right? Just while you're on your lonesome…

You thumb through the pages, starting off at his first real notes on monsters. First is walking mushrooms. You can tell these don’t interest him too much, the notes are lacking. Which is unsurprising. Laios tends to enjoy more complicated monsters. These bumbling creatures have never seemed to truly catch his interest like others. There appears to be a few notes about him theorizing their anatomy–wondering if they reproduce via spores and if said spores are dangerous. It’s interesting to think about in itself. Maybe these monsters could actually be scary if given those attributes. Laios might be onto something here.

The next page is about slimes. Some of the ink is smudged and weathered due to age. However, there’s new notes on the page in fresh ink. They document Senshi’s explanation of slime anatomy and how to cook them. There’s simple fun facts that Laios has shared with you thrice before, and the reminder makes you smile. Most of your reading is spent reminiscing on these factoids, before you hit the section titled “Reproduction”.

It’s childish, but heat rises to your face as you press on.

The things about slimes seem to be lacking in solid truth. It’s mainly just Laios’s personal theories of their breeding habits. Asexual reproducing is one. Then there’s something about an exchange of genetic material between slimes. Apparently, Laios once found what appeared to be slime eggs in the remains of a heated bathhouse. It appears they search for a place warm and damp to lay their eggs. They likely have some sort of appendage used to lay their eggs in a safe place like this, similar to a snail.

Another note follows, something you wonder if Laios wanted to keep private?

‘What if they lay their eggs in live hosts?’

The thought makes you rub your thighs together. This is wrong. Weird. You should not feel wet at the thought of this. But you persist, letting a hand climb under your waistband. What Laios doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

‘It would explain their behavior. Slimes would grow docile as they look for a host to incubate their eggs. Ideal places to lay are rare in the dungeon, but other creatures (including adventurers), are plenty…”

Your fingers circle over your clit. You knew you liked monsters, but not to this extent…the idea of this being odd steadily starts to fade as you stroke yourself. It’s been so long since you’ve had a proper orgasm. Your body is desperate for anything at this point.

‘They likely function similar to other monsters that accommodate their prey (i.e.: “man eating” plants). Slime secretions have been used as various forms of lubrication. Perhaps during their breeding season, they contain elements that heighten arousal. That would inspire potential vessels to be more willing to their intrusion.’

It’s enthralling. The idea of a creature helping you reach a peak of ecstasy you never considered before. Your movements pick up the pace as you read on, driving you closer and closer to orgasm. As much as you wish you could make noise, you’d rather be caught dead than let Laios witness you getting off to his journal.

Would the creature treat you gently? Teasing you before eventually coaxing an intense orgasm out of you? Or would it relentlessly pound away, trying to stretch you out to accommodate its eggs and leave you a sloppy mess?

You haven't felt this hot in a long time. It’s embarrassing how quickly you’re about to cum in your pants over something so vile.

Maybe it would cover your whole body in secretions, making your body feel fuzzy with delight, before toying with your clit. Sucking, teasing, running over the flesh until–

A wet, sticky drop lands on your head.

You’d be terribly grossed out if the dungeon hadn’t jaded you already. If anything, you’re more shocked to be snapped out of your lust induced haze. Your peer up at the ceiling to be greeted by an all too familiar monster.

This slime isn't like the one that attacked Marcille earlier at all. It's larger. And an odd color. Why is it pink....?

Your thoughts linger to Laios's journal. Didn't he make a note about this?

‘During certain times become more docile and take on a pinkish hues. It’s theorized this may be due to a breeding season. It is unclear how slimes reproduce.’

You have an idea.

A gross, unorthodox one. But it’s an idea nonetheless.

You have to coax the slime down here. You jump up, then wave at it, but the creature doesn’t seem to notice, causing you sigh out in frustration.

Another droplet lands on your head. You grit your teeth. This is your one chance to accomplish your newfound dream. And you’re not gonna let it go to waste. But how the hell are you gonna get this thing down without startling it into attacking you?

Wait...what exactly did that dwarf say? Slimes are attracted to noise, right? They can see your exhale, and attack when you exhale....

So you shout.

"LAIOS!"

And the slime drops from the ceiling, landing on your foot.

Just as planned, your knight in scathed, dull armor comes rushing down the hall, calling your name.

"Are you alri--?" Laios's golden eyes widen when he spots the slime. His weapon is unsheathed in a quick movement, ready to defend you against the monster with Senshi's prior slaying instructions fresh on his mind.

"Wait!"

Before Laios can bring his blade down on the creature, you hold out your hand. He ceases, confusion settling on his features.

"It's not harming me. I-if it wanted to kill me, it would've gone for my head to suffocate me, right?"

Rationalizing this seems impossible. But if anyone were to listen to your desire to fuck monsters, it had to be Laios Touden. So you're putting all your faith in him now. You've yet to judge him, so you hope he holds the same regard for you.

"I...guess." The sword in his hands lowers ever so slightly. It scrapes a shallow mark in the ground as the man steps closer. His head tilts to the side, brows furrowing as he studies the situation at hand. "So you don't want me to kill it?"

You're certain Laios will just take this as you having a healthy respect for monsters, then shoo it away to forgo violence. It takes a lot of mental fortitude, but you swallow the lump in your throat and continue.

"It's interesting behavior....you know, it is breeding season. Which is why they're more active as of late."

The slime starts to creep up your pant leg. Something appendage-like sticks out from its front, prodding at your calves and inner thighs as it makes it's way further.

Your breath catches in your throat. This is really happening.

Laios seems to notice what's going on. A hint of pink tints his pale cheeks, hands making their way to raise his sword once more.

"Laios."

He ceases his movements once more. And you seize your chance.

"Why don't we just let this happen?"

a/n. hey!! if you made it to the end thanks for reading <3 I'm really excited for this series and I hope you enjoyed it!

please consider liking/reblogging/leaving a comment *prayer hands emojis* engagement feeds me (along with other writers! so pls show some love <3)

#laios touden #laios x reader #laios touden x reader #dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi x reader #delicious in dungeon #my writing

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fictionfixations · 3 months ago

Text

OH MY GOD GUYS I GOT THE ANAKT GARDEN SET AHHHHHHHHHH

warning for major alnst spoilers ofc

I KEEP TAKING PHOTOS THE WRONG WAY AROUND 😭😭😭😭

okay im gonna summarize information

you get these id cards the main peeps of them their birthday blood type number signature fingerprint who their guardian is (i cant tell the difference between them on the card it looks the same to me but idk maybe its alien language)

and it also says what dorm theyre from

mizi till ivan and sua are in buru flower rooms although different ones

(all in buru flower room. sua is in x, till is in c, mizi is a, ivan is d)

meanwhile luka and hyuna are in different rooms which makes me believe its by like year(s) and based on when they graduate from anakt garden or something like that? i forget

according to an interview (of sua and ivan) they're from the 50th anakt garden class

hyuna is chala flower room a, and shes also the only one without a signature

interestingly enough luka is the only one without a letter after the room which i think is because of how im pretty sure hes like a clone or something? like like made and there were many others of 'him' that were made until they found the perfect him to use? im like 70% sure his guardian has also implied it or something in one of the interviews? i think it mightve been regarding either the top three or before luka vs till

i use a translator app and go through it and then (usually) mainly share ones about ivan (as hes my favorite) and include other interesting stuff that doesnt have to relate to him

also there will be some things i just dont mention

well ive only done it once and for like the art book lmfao but yEAH

i keep forgetting which page i read it from so this time im gonna write this post while looking through it to make it easier for me haha

skimming through it though i do see some stuff i think they've posted on the twitter and patreon before though i DO remember there was this one that was blurry and i think i saw it in full here

be warned translations may not always be 100% accurate cause for some reason i take a CLEAR photo of the text and then i take another but zoomed in to more specific parts of the text and it changes the translation so im just sat here like what why does having more context make it worse sob

(future me here what do you mean i can only translate 50 images a day 😭 maybe its my bad for taking so many pictures of the same part but sometimes it translates differently when i zoom into specific parts that make more sense so on parts im confused on i do that a lot)

also in the previous post i tried rephrasing it a lot but at this point its really not gonna work with this

Mizi (1) Her guardian sent a 'lullaby tape' and 'deep sea mood lamp' to help her sleep. She called it 'Shine' or something? I can't be 100% sure but she whined to a teacher about missing it and thus that was sent over.

Mizi/Sua (2) Sua helps Mizi study, and sometimes reads to her, and everytime she does it, "I feel she creates an unknown world for me."

Sua/Mizi (1) Sua was shy and didn't laugh much when entering Anakt Garden, but after meeting Mizi, she laughed a lot.

Sua (2) Children in the Anakt Garden have become more interested in the opposite sex. There are rumors among the children that there is "a tree that can succeed if you confess". Sua seems to be popular with boys as she often goes under the tree.

Sua & Ivan (3) Sua was chosen as an Outstanding Child alongside Ivan in Anakt Garden, an honorable title given to a child who sets an example for others every year. The two will be interviewed and included in ALIEN STAGE MAGAZINE VOL.2.

Sua (4) Recently, Sua's been practicing hard enough to stop crying(?). When asked why, Sua said, "I have to practice more because it's my dream to be on stage with Mizi."

😭i cant tell if its a mistranslation or if its a 'i know the truth about alnst so i want to practice not crying while on stage with her' or something

Till & Ivan (1) Today, Till fought with a new kid named Ivan. He is an aggressive child, so he needs regular education at home. Fortunately, Ivan has generously forgiven him, but I will do my best to prevent this from happening next time.

Till & Ivan (2) Till's theoretical grades have improved a lot! Practical tests are always perfect, but theories have always been weak. In particular, his grades in Religion and Music, which were his most vulnerable, have risen markedly. Is it because some kid has provoked Till recently? He's very competitive, so when he has an opponent he wants to win, he burns!

It's not stated but y'know I'd think it'd be Ivan 💀.

Ivan (1) Ivan is significantly less talkative than other children. He may have a slower language development than other children because he's adapting to a sudden change in environment.

Ivan (2) For an art class on the theme of "The Most Memorable Moment of Life", Ivan painted a sky full of shooting stars on the paper. Each star was drawn carefully, and his concentration was so focused it was like he was being sucked into the paper.

For that I'll refer to the scene back in Round 3 and my post on the artbook where it explained more on Ivan's thoughts and how the shooting stars meant to him it was

(10) in the slums, when being held over like the edge due to the anger of a dealer, he faced the fear of death at such a young age that it stuck with him, that death was always near him. the shooting stars that then appeared stayed with him unconsciously (the translation it gives me is “the ecstasy faced with death took place intensely in Ivan’s deep unconsciousness.”)

Ivan (3) He often observes his facial expressions in the pond before going to school in the morning. I feel the one translated on the patreon (free) has better translations but it only shows a few not all and I remember reading this one as one of the ones included.

Ivan (4) Although Ivan is mature for his age, he is the most childlike when he is with Till. (they fight a lot)

Hyuna (1) Hyuna is a child with gentle charisma. She has a high sense of responsibility, so she takes the lead as class president and takes the initiative in all activities. She does not hesitate to do good deeds, such as actively approaching children who do not fit in well with the Anakt Garden activities, and she is a role model for all children.

Hyuna (2) Hyuna, who loves singing, always sings in front of the children during compulsory playtime. Yesterday, she stood at the base of a tree and sang "Anakt's Lullaby" in an impromptu arrangement, and Hyuna's changed lullaby was popular at "Anakt Garden" for a while.

I've heard people theorize that Wiege is that lullaby.

Hyuna & Luka (3) Luka was hiding in a tree and looking at Hyuna, as if he wanted to play hide and seek with her. Hyuna saw Luka and invited him to play with her.

I usually format it based on whose referred to first but I actually cut off a part of it and its about how Hyuna is popular and then it mentions Luka and then I have no idea what's being said I'm using two different translator apps and they both don't make sense. Perhaps the idea is something like, 'the lonely child Luka, who also excels at Anakt Garden, even memorized her name.'

The translations it gives me call him an only kid, the best in Anakt Garden, and then continues with ", Is Hyuna" or "memorized her name" so above is my best guess tbh 😭 Reasoning? Since idk what they meant by only kid, since it mentioned in the beginning how Hyuna was popular, then if I compare then he was probably lonely (there is also art of him by a tree alone staring at Hyuna who is surrounded by many others), he was also good at his studies and so was Hyuna, and I added even to emphasize that ah Luka didn't really interact with people but Hyuna ended up catching his attention (thus he was staring at her).

Luka (1) Luka always practices until late at night. If there's even a singular thing he can't solve he immediately asks the teacher a question.

Luka (2) Luka won first place in the Anakt Garden singing contest! The children were moved to tears when they heard Luka's crying. The crying sound is clear and sweet, and moves the hearts of those who listen to it. There is a jinx that if you win first place in the Anakt Garden singing contest, you will win Alien Stage, and our teachers are expecting that Luka will win Alien Stage. It is so exciting to imagine Luka growing up day by day.

if I recall Hyuna was second

ooh thats scary the art. dude i didnt even realize there was someone behind him.. its luka whose holding up like a paper and theres two large hands on his shoulders and theres a person in black behind him but theyre so big you cant even see them just their arms and torso wtf 😭

Luka (3)

Luka complained of persistent headaches and hyperventilation during the night.

Physical examination results show abnormal blood flow and lack of oxygen in the body. There is a high possibility of congenital heart disease.

Luka's voice change begins. Intensive care is required to prevent damage to his crying(?) voice. Tea and nutritional supplements that are good for voice will be included in his diet.

one translation is 'crying voice' and the other just translates voice as crying

😭😭😭😭😭

also i cant be 100% sure the translation is right calling it congenital heart disease idk korean and the apps can be inaccurate so take it with a grain of salt

Luka (4) The end-of-month evaluation grades have dropped by 10 points compared to the previous month. Although it is a small drop, in order to prevent this, we plan to select excellent teachers from the Anakt Garden and provide intensive management. We also request periodic discipline at home to prevent Luka from being distracted.

i kind of hate luka but dude this is really making me feel bad for him holy shit 😭 wtf

now its i think graduating from anakt garden and writing messages to people um its a lot of text so idk how im gonna tackle this

MIZI

(two attempts at writing 'Mizi' are crossed out) Hello Mizi, (crossed out) Hello Mizi! You sing really well! If there is an angel, wouldn't it be right here? (crossed out)

I prepared a song for you (crossed out)

Thank you for giving me a recorder when I was little.

It's my only treasure (crossed out)

It's really sad that you're already graduating from Anakt Garden.

Actually, we could have become friends at any time, but I just didn't have time. (crossed out)

How are you. Hi. -Till- ---

What kind of place is the ocean?! I want to go play later too~~! ー????? IDK WHO THIS IS google registers it as jp characters and i think thats wrong so..ー

---

My dream, to Mizi Mizi the jellyfish girl (??) The day we were lying in the Anakt Garden meadow and looking at the stars together You became my dream. Is that why? The time I spent with you felt so precious to me. I have a lot of things I want to say. I feel complicated. (crossed out) I don't know what kind of world will unfold if I leave Anakt Garden, but I hope you will always live as green and free as the sea of summer. I believe this is Sua as there's a part mentioned earlier where Sua and Mizi liked watching the stars together and would sometimes fall asleep there instead of going back to their dorms (i did not mention this earlier thats my bad)

---

Mizi! It seems like you are a child who really loves singing. I am glad I was able to enter Anakt Garden with you and listen to your songs! I hope you will be successful after you graduate! -????-

the characters of the name are not even registered google keeps thinking its the letter m

---

You're so cute because you're quirky and lively! -?????-

---

Thank you for always greeting me brightly every morning. Thanks to your bright energy, Anakt Garden life (?) I think it was fun. Good luck for the preliminary round, and see you on stage. -Ivan-

(at good luck he said 'cheer up' or '힘내' which has like a lot of meaning to it and can be like 'hang in there' and is something Till taught him to do and I think he also said it to Till in an interview I think before their round happened, i just used good luck cause its easier to understand and cheer up in english doesnt have as much impact without that context)

yeah here and there was also the comic by what i meant him like learning it from till

---

.....i have to do this three more times........... hahahahaha hang in there me ....today i learned if you hold the button that takes a picture it will suddenly take multiple pictures of the exact same thing. 💀

---

♥️ SUA ♥️ MIZI (there are multiple hearts drawn over the page and MIZI is written next to SUA with a heart)

(mizi says a lot and as its handwriting its hard for the translation apps to decipher it from the image so bare with me for any errors)

Hello Sua! How are you? Did you know I would say that?? I can't believe you're already graduating, from Anakt Garden. Now that I'm asked to write something like this, I don't know what to write… If I had known this would happen, I would have taken the writing class harder! Then I could tell you everything I wanted to say!! Craft (this is scribbled out) Well I'll put all my memories in this letter ♥️ A moment I was thankful for Sua ♥️

Thank you for secretly eating cherry tomatoes for me when I was a kid and hated vegetables. Thanks for taking my prank well!

Now that I think about it, I think I played a lot. Thank you for helping me with my homework every day. Thank you for always listening to my worries Thank you for handing me a handkerchief when I was crying Thank you for silently comforting me when I failed my test

Thank you for always singing with me Thank you for appearing in my life I'll stop talking here, because we're always together! My dream. Sua, I love you!! -Mizi who loves you so so much-

GUYS IM GONNA CRY

---

I actually still like you. Even though you rejected me, can you think about it one more time? -???? no idea who this is-

dude can you read the room her girlfriend literally took over more than half the page 😭😭😭😭

---

I don't usually say this, but your voice is nice. I hope you do well in Alien Stage. -Till-

---

As an Oustanding Child, alongside you, I'm glad I was able to put my name on the list. I'm sorry we didn't talk much. You've always been an excellent kid, even (maybe 'when you're at') at Alien Stage(?? I can't tell) You'll get a good result. -Ivan-

---

IVAN

Hi! Ivan! I'm Mizi! You're handsome like a prince, you sing well, you study well… Why are you so perfect?! And Sua too… Are there only perfect kids around me!? By the way, I saw your stage costumes were all black a while ago, but I think you look better in white than black! How about wearing white on stage? I'm looking forward to a great performance! -Mizi-

NOT HIM DYING IN WHITE THOUGH. you know what. i bet. i bet he thought huh maybe till will think i look good in white. and then he wore white. AND THEN HE DIED

---

I don't know what to write because I don't remember talking. Take care. Bye. -Sua-

DAMN. girl you know on his stats in the art book he sees you as like a sister right 😭😭 (who am i kidding ive seen your stats too)

---

By the way, when is your birthday? I've never seen you have a birthday party. -just expect me not to include names of anyone not from main cast because I won't be able to tell if it's a mistranslation-

I just envied you so much. That's why I wanted to get close to you. -???-

Actually, I liked you, but we never talked to each other. Take care, goodbye -???-

---

Were you the one who stole the pencil back then? -Till-

😭😭😭 i think theres a note somewhere i dont think i read it in this one but in a previous alnst post about ivan stealing tills things and then returning them because he wanted praise or something

i cant recall if the pencil thing is related to him or if it mightve been related to mizi since sometimes the translation app gets pronouns wrong but i think there was a mention of a stolen pencil and it being returned to someone in here i just dont remember what page. dammit.

---

You are so perfect that it's hard to approach you.

-???-

---

TILL

Hi! Till! You're so good at singing and composing The lyrics and composition are so (she crossed out a word that looks similar to something she then says but I can't tell what it is) I'm so, so jealous of you for doing so well!! I often think of the song you sang at the Anakt Garden Song Contest Come to think of it, you got your ears pierced not too long ago, it looks really good on you! The guitar looked unique on the stage Are you taking it with you? For this performance I'm really looking forward to seeing your performance~!! Way to go! -Mizi-

---

When we were young, we fought a lot without thinking, but now that I'm older, I think I can be a better friend than you think. It seems like separation comes too quickly. I knew it wasn't useful, but I felt a little more intense with you. (crossed out) I hope you remember me. -Ivan-

---

I still remember you getting dizzy and falling over while headbanging at the Anakt Garden singing contest. It was really funny… -???-

---

I'm sure you're talented

-Acorn-

WAIT ACORN??

wait you can see part of the graduation messages on the patreon OH YEAH that was where i read the part of sua's and there was just this whole part blurred out (mizi to sua)

you know what im gonna ignore messages from anyone not of the main cast at this point idk why i did it for so long 😭

wait shit i forgot what i havent translated now 😭

---

Take care. See you on stage. -Sua-

---

IM DONE

OKAY

NO MORE

😭

#alnst #alien stage #anakt garden #anakt garden kit #mizisua #alnst mizi #alnst sua #alnst till #alnst ivan #ivantill #tillivan #alnst hyuna #alnst luka

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dsireland86 · 5 months ago

Note

Can i request a Noah Sebastian x fem reader fic? I was thinking maybe she reader is a good friend of the Bad Omens crew and she wants to give Noah a special gift while on tour since he's been so burnt out and Maybe it's set a little after Keaton Pierce passed away and he hasn't really had time to grieve and gifts him a Photo of him and Keaton with a note written by him on the back of it maybe? and he gets emotional and they confess feelings?

Oh man.... this hits hard. Okay, I think I can do this. 💔🖤 I've never written anything regarding Keaton or his passing. I've kind always felt scared to. But when this request hit my inbox, it made me realize that maybe I've never given myself the proper time to mourn his loss. It will be 3 years he's been gone, and yet every time I listen to Too Close Too Touch, it feels like he's still here. I still miss Keaton every day. Writing this story has been healing. Thank you to the Anonymous who's asked me to write something so beautiful. I hope I can capture the emotion of what Keaton really meant to us all.

*Author's Note: I waited on posting this story, given the fact that none of this story is factual, but it involves something that's really personal to not just me, but to others, I'm sure. In no way shape or form is this story meant to disrespect Keaton or his death. It is just something I thought about when thinking of how it affected Noah. I know, it's silly. But for someone like me who didn't know Keaton personally and was affected by his death, I can't imagine what his friends and family felt. Again, this is just a fictional story based on actual people. If you're offended by the idea, then please don't read it, not just for me, but also for the Anon. who requested the story.*

Her Special Gift

Tag list: @philomenie @supersquirrel1996 @foliosgirl @angelmarie89 @fadingintothegrey @thisbicc @lacy1986 @dominuslunae @shayzillaaaa @mrsnoahsebastian @flowery-mess @iloveyoutodeathbutimdrowning @stardustsirenmelody @romanreigns-supreme @anything-more-than-human @into-the-grey @rumoured-whispers @myownthoughts12 @sister-sebastian @missduffsblog @bngurngheart @somebodyllelse @xxkittenkissesxx @dizzylmwahh @kenjipepsi1 @blackveilomens @chey-h @disappearintothegrey @jilliemiw86 @pathion @fear-its-beauty @an0mallly @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard

The months that followed Keaton's death become different. After Keaton's funeral, things between Noah and I shifted from being just casual friends to almost like best friends. We started hanging out together more and playing video games, watching old black and white movies, or diving into sometimes deep, theological discussions that always ended with an argument about who was right. Late night pizza and anime dates and tea and book lazy days started to become a habit for us when he wasn't working with the band, and I grew to love them more than I ever thought I would. It seemed that Noah and I had traded our friendship with Keaton for a friendship with each other. We became part of the healing process for each other, sharing stories and memories that only we knew. Spending time with Noah was the best. He was the best, but the way I started to feel about him was getting harder for me to deny and I knew if I ever confessed anything regarding the way I felt, it would ruin everything Noah and I had built in the last few months.

"You feeling okay?" Noah's hand on my shoulder startled me. I was sluggishly slow today, exhausted from the last two nights of the tour. "Yeah, I'm good. Just tired. Still trying to adapt," I chuckled. Noah smiled, taking the box of shirts from me. "I'll help." "Thanks," I said, returning his smile. We sat the boxes down on the table, and I turned to head back to the truck and get one more when Noah gently grabbed me by the arm. "Hey, wait." I looked up at his tall frame, a little alarmed. His chocolatey brown eyes softened. "Are you sure you're okay? You're usually not so puffy around the eyes like you are today." "Oh what, you're keeping up with my skin care routine now?" I was joking, but Noah seemed more serious about it than I was. "Have you been crying?' Noah turned me towards him a little so he could examine my face better. What was I supposed to tell him? That the truth was I really had been crying myself to sleep the last two nights because I'd found a photo of him and Keaton together? Yeah, no. I pushed Noah's hand away gently, reassuring him I was okay. Walking back to the truck, I broke down, sneaking around a corner to quietly sob alone.

Three weeks into the tour, everyone seemed to be doing alright; tired and sore, but okay. I was feeling better, too, but Noah wasn't. He was looking a little worse for wear. If there weren't puffy bags under his eye, then there were dark purple circles under them, painting the clear picture of pure, straight-up exhaustion. Noah was burning out.

"Matt, he needs a day off. He needs to rest. I mean, look at him for god's sake," I cried quietly, throwing my hands in Noah's direction. He was sitting on one of the equipment boxes, leaning back against the wall, his head laid back, arms folded across his chest and eyes closed. He looked as if he was actually asleep.

"Fuck. I know he does," Matt sighed. But we have a show to do tonight, and one tomorrow." "Matt, " I said, shaking my head, "I don't think Noah's going to last one more show. Tonight, maybe, but tomorrow," I glanced over at Noah just as his head fell to the side, catching himself quickly and sitting up right only to close his eyes again. "Fuck!" Matt yelled. "Alright, let me see what I can do about tomorrow. Do you think you could pep talk him into doing tonight's show?" Noah sat up and stretched, yawning and beckoning me over to him. "Yeah, okay, I'll try, but don't get pissy with me if Noah refuses," I demanded with a finger pointed at his chest. Matt chuckled. "Deal. Hey, thanks." I shot him a quick grin before walking over to Noah.

He reached for me before I was even close, which wasn't really like him at all. But I gave in, letting him pull me in between his legs and hug me. Noah's body was so warm despite the white tank he wore, showing off so many of his colorful tattoos. I thought about the stories I knew of some of them, and wondered about the others, tracing them as they wrapped and curled over his bicep and towards his back. I felt him hum in approval of my touch, the vibration coming from deep in his chest as he softly laid his head in the nook between my neck and shoulder. I caressed his back, guiding my hands slowly up and down, and feeling him relax against me. "Feel good?" "Mmm," he mumbled his answer. Noah's arms dropped, falling to his sides. His fingers, so long and slender, gripped my leggings, pulling me closer. "Noah," I whispered, unsure of what to say or do. "Yeah?" "What are you doing? People are looking at us." I spoke softly into his chest, scared to look around. "Only Matt." I looked up, glancing behind me, seeing that he was right. "Does me holding you like this make you feel uncomfortable?" I focused my sight back on Noah, my eyes clicking back and forth over his face. "No," I answered honestly. The small smile that lifted the corners of Noah's mouth made my heart skip a few beats.

"You look really tired." Noah nodded while locking his hand together behind my back, allowing me to rest mine on his chest. The faint smell of his deodorant mixed with the lingering scent of his cologne swept over my nostrils caused me to breathe in deep. Noah smelled fresh and clean even though he hadn't showered since the night before. "I'm pretty exhausted. I didn't sleep right last night." "Why not?" Noah sighed letting me partially go to fun a hand through his hair. "Noah, what's wrong, what is it?" I tipped my head, straining to make eye contact with him.

Finally, I turned his head to look at me. "Talk to me. I'm here." A vacant stare suddenly took over Noah's face, as if he were reminiscing something. "I had a dream," he admitted, quietly, "about Keaton." His almond shaped eyes shifted to mine and the pain that engulfed them was overwhelming, shattering my heart.

"Noah, I'm," "Don't," he sighed heavily, shaking his head slightly. "You don't have to say you're sorry or anything like that. I think it's a sign, like maybe Keaton himself is trying to tell me something." "What do you mean?" I wasn't following as easily as I thought I should be. "I never gave myself time to grieve for him. I mean, it all happened so fast, I barely remember everything." "Like what? I was there for pretty much all of it." Noah smiled, running his finger down my cheek. "Yeah, you were, weren't you? My little moon; always follows me even when there's light." I shrugged. "That's what friends do, right?" Noah cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes.

"Friends?" "Yeah," I replied, my heart thundering against my chest. "We're friends, right? I mean at least we were five seconds ago." Noah reassured me with a smile, pulling me against his chest. "Yeah, little moon, we're still friends." "Is that your new name for me now? Little moon?" "Why? You don't like it?" "No, love it," I replied with the hint of a smile in my voice. Noah didn't say anything, only squeezed me tighter.

"What was your dream about?" There was a long pause. "A mix of random stuff, but it all had Keaton in it." More silence. "I wish he was still here. I fucking miss him so damn much that it hurts." The pain in Noah's voice hurt. I looked up to find him squeezing his eyes closed, finger and thumb locked in them "Come with me," I said, taking his hand and pulling him out with me to the bus. "What are we doing?" "You'll see."

We climbed in, throwing out mumbled greetings to Nicholas and Folio who were eating bags of chips and talking, laughing hysterically after one would say something to the other. I rolled my eyes, grinning from knowing why.

I got to the bunks and stopped. "What's this about?" Noah asked, a bit annoyed. "I have something for you that I found recently; something I was meant to give you a long time ago, but apparently completely forgot about." "Okayyyy, what?" I stared at Noah for a moment, wondering if this really was the right time to do this and as brief memories of him and Keaton flashed through my brain, I was reassured.

Bending down into my duffle bag, I grabbed the book that had the picture in it, and handed it to Noah. The moment Noah saw it, his eyes welled up with tears.

"Read the back; alone," I told him, knowing it was going to gut him. He didn't argue. He just turned and walked off into the tiny bathroom and closed the door.

I heard the faint clicking sound of the lock turning and took a deep breath, hoping to prepare myself for what came next.

When Folio and Nicholas eventually left, I seized the opportunity to sit and wait for Noah. There was no way I was leaving without knowing Noah was okay. And then I heard it. The low, almost inaudible sound of weeping.

My heart hit the bottom of my stomach. Noah was finally letting out all the pent-up sadness, pain, and hurt for his friend he'd silently been carrying all these months. I waited a moment before going over to the bathroom door. I quietly knocked. "Noah... I'm here," was all I could say. "He's gone. Keaton's really gone, and there's nothing I can do to bring him back," Noah said through gritted teeth and tears. "Why? I don't understand! Why him!"

"Why anyone? Why is death even a thing," I said gently. There was silence on the other side of the door. "Keaton had a great life. He was in love with life. He loved taking pictures and performing. He loved his fans and followers of the band, always making it a point to tell them on his Instagram." "Yeah, that joker loved posting stuff on there, didn't he," Noah chuckled through a stuffy nose. "I went through it, and it's what reminded me of the picture you're holding in your hands. I'd completely forgotten about it until packing and I picked up my touring book and that picture fell out. I'm so sorry I forgot, Noah. I really meant to give it to you sooner." "Maybe that was meant to happen because the universe knew his death was coming." The idea gave me chills.

There was more silence. "I fucking miss him. I miss my friend." "I know you do. Me, too."

The bathroom door finally opened, and Noah appeared with cheeks stained with tears and puffy eyes. I looked up at him as he looked down at me, tendrils of his recently cut short hair falling over his eyes. He reached down for me, taking my hands and pulling to my feet, sliding his arms around my waist as he did so. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face against him so he couldn't see my own tears. My lips grazed the colorful skin of his neck, so I took advantage and lightly kissed it, and I could hear the slight gasp he made as he barely lifted me off the ground.

"I wouldn't have gotten through any of this without you, Little Moon," Noah muttered into my hair. I climbed him like a tree and wrapped myself around his slender yet strong frame as his large hands slid over my bottom, squeezing it as he held me up. With our faces so close, I could feel Noah's warm breath cascade over my face. His lips were so close to mine.

He walked us toward the back of the bus, closing the sliding door to the back lounge as we entered, sitting me down on the closest table. He pushed my legs apart, respectfully putting himself between them, and just stared at me. Noah was one of my closest friends. He'd seen me through some of my worst moments, made me feel beautiful even when I didn't feel it, and stayed up with me when I used to have nightly anxiety attacks. Yet, here I was feeling so insecure, so out of his league that I was blushing.

"Tell me we're gonna get through this together," Noah said, taking my face in his hands. I rested my forehead against his chest. "Of course we are, Noah, I'm not going anywhere." He lifted my face. "I don't mean as friends." I could hardly bring myself to look into his eyes. "You don't?" I asked barely above a whisper. Noah shook his head. His thumbs glided along my cheekbones. "Look at me." I dragged my eyes up only to see the sincerity in his eyes. "I mean as an "us". I don't think I can be just friends with you anymore, and just the idea of your perfect heart belonging to another guy terrifies me." A small laugh escaped me, and Noah grinned. "What? It's true. I don't want to be jealous, but I am."

I gave Noah a half smile. "I wouldn't call it jealousy, but more like selfish." "Selfish?" "Yeah, you demand my attention almost every time we're together. And when you see me talking with," actually the more I thought about it, Noah only got that way when another guy was involved. "With another guy," "yeah," I huffed a laugh. "Well, I guess I'm a little of both." "Since when?" Noah's eyes darted between mine. He brushed some loose hair out of my face and kissed my forehead. "Since the moment I trusted you with parts of myself I'm afraid to show anyone else." "And how long has that been?" Noah's lips were almost touching mine. I wanted this, wanted him to kiss me so I could kiss him back. "Always." I forgot to breathe the moment he bent his neck, and brought our faces closer together. A wave of heat, unlike one I'd ever felt before, crashed through me. Noah's arms wrapped around me, and he drew me into a kiss I never thought we'd share. His tongue pushed into mouth slowly yet needy as his large hands slid lazily up my spine. I gave into him completely, feeling every ounce of love pour from his kiss.

My fingers trailed up his chest until I cupped his jaw between my hands, feeling the slight hum of approval vibrate deep inside his chest. I felt like everything about Noah was going to consume me, and I was entirely okay with that. We finally broke apart, pulling our magic back into ourselves as we tried to catch our breath. "You're going to be the death of me," he growled against my cheek, leaving a slight wet kiss on my cheek. I pushed against his chest just enough to look at him. "Not if you destroy me first," I breathed, painting the lines of his jaw with my fingertips. "I never want you to stop looking at me the way you are right now. And if you do, I swear I won't stop making it up to you until your legs are shaking and the neighbors know my name."

I about died in Noah's arms right then. He pulled me into another deep kiss, touching me without any hesitation. He touched me like he owned me. I guess he had for a long time, and I just never realized it. I trusted Noah with my heart, knowing he'd take care of it forever. "So, does this mean there's an us?" I smiled, taking a deep breath while wrapped up safe in Noah's arms. "Yeah it does. I like the sound of "us". "Me too, I guess we have Keaton to thank for it." "Yeah, I guess so," getting lost in a memory of him. He'd be happy; for both of us. "I miss him, Noah. But even now, I can still feel him around." "Me, too," Noah sighed, laying his cheek on the top of my head. "Me, too."

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian fanfic #noah sebastian fan fic #noah sebastian fanfiction #bad omens #bad omens cult #bad omens band #too close to touch #keaton pierce

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aquilaofarkham · 2 years ago

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Dying Has Never Frightened Us: Intergenerational Trauma, Healing, & the Burden of Legacy in Castlevania

An analytical and interpretation essay that discusses how the concept of family legacy and duty can lead to intergenerational trauma in the Castlevania franchise. Focuses primarily on the Belmont who found strength from his pain by honouring his family’s legacy no matter how heavy it felt or the burden that came with it and the Belmont who found his own strength from the ones he loved and who loved him in return.

☽ Read the full piece here or click the read more for the text only version ☽

THE BURNING NEED FOR RETRIBUTION: INTRODUCTION

The world has trauma. It is deep, collective, spanning its roots over centuries and territories dating back to when the borders of today never existed, and it has largely gone untreated—but not undiscussed.

From children’s cartoons to award winning dramas, trauma has become one of the most common topics for media to discuss, depict, and dissect. It makes sense given the sort of physical and mental gauntlet which society has been through in the past five years. Sometimes even in just the past twenty-four hours. From an uptick in disasters stemming from climate change, the rise of publicised policy brutality, genocide as a result of settler colonisation, new developments coming to light after decades of denial regarding the residential school system in Canada, and of course a global pandemic which is still making ripples. Then there is the recent examination of generational trauma which differs from culture to culture. The open wounds we’ve already left and will be leaving for future age groups.

Seeing how fiction reflects reality and vice versa, it isn’t any wonder that movies, television shows, and video games find ways of processing this worldwide sensation of frustrated ennui along with the need to find answers as to how regular citizens can fix things, including ourselves, when politicians and world leaders cannot. When reality cannot provide satisfying resolutions, when we are left confused and even angrier than before due to the apparent shortcomings of institutions meant to provide relief towards the average person, it’s natural to look towards specific media. Whether for coping mechanisms, validation for this collective and personal trauma, or simply for cathartic release so the emotions don’t have to remain bottled up.

Castlevania , both its original 2017 series and the most recent entry of Castlevania: Nocturne (as well as the video games which the show is inspired by), is no stranger to this popular trend of storytelling and characterisation. Yet this trend also comes with its own controversy. When done with a deft writer’s hand and a layer of empathetic critical thinking, trauma in fiction and how we heal from its intergenerational effects can be a powerful tool in raising awareness in regards to something left forgotten by the larger public or it can allow viewers to look inwards at themselves. Done poorly or with a lack of empathy and taste, then the floodgates open.

But beyond the usual discourse surrounding trauma in fiction (how to portray a “realistic” panic attack, what makes a “good” victim, the problematic connotations of forgiving one’s abuser, etc.), Castlevania has its own things to say about the lingering effects of grief, guilt, and pain over the course of thirty-two episodes (now a fourty episode runtime with the inclusion of Castlevania: Nocturne season one). The series—particularly the first which ran from 2017 to 2021—has now gained a reputation for being one of the darker animated ventures tackling themes of religious corruption, abuse, sexual manipulation, and injustice among many others. The value and thoughtfulness of each depicted theme ranges from being genuinely compelling to delving into mere shock value yet the series is also known for its uplifting ending and cathartic release from such dark themes.

One could write entire dissertations on each complicated character and their developments. From Dracula’s suicidal tendencies as a result of unchecked grief to Isaac’s conflicted redemptive journey beginning with his unflinching loyalty to the king of vampires and ending with him forging down his own path in life. How characters such as Carmilla, consumed by her inner agonies and burning hatred towards the world to the bitter end, was left isolated from her sisters until she was forced to choose the terms of her own death, while others like Alucard, Sypha, and to an extent Hector rose above their individual torments in favour of hope and survival. However, this examination will focus on the series’ titular family of vampire hunters. Namely, the Belmont who found strength from his pain by honouring his family’s legacy no matter how heavy it felt or the burden that came with it and the Belmont who found his own strength from the ones he loved and who loved him in return.

Note: this essay will delve into speculations and purely interpretative hypotheses stemming from the author’s own opinions in regards to how they personally read the presented text. It will also discuss heavy spoilers for the majority of Castlevania games and the first season of Castlevania: Nocturne.

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WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT FOR A CURSE: THE CYCLE OF TRAGEDY IN THE CASTLEVANIA GAMES

This examination begins in the exact same place as the show began with its inspirations and references: the original video games developed and distributed by Konami Group Corporations. It’s easy to get swept up in the notion that because of the technological limitations with video games at the time, the Castlevania games are devoid of story or characterization. Yet even the most bare bones of a story found in the games can still have something to say about the burden of legacy and how trauma left unconfronted has the possibility of tearing down that legacy. The most prominent example being Castlevania: Symphony of the Night , arguably the first game to begin delving into a deeper story and character driven narrative. It follows the events of Castlevania: Rondo of Blood , a game which portrayed its protagonist Richter Belmont as a force of nature in the face of evil, always knowing what to do, what to say, and emerging victorious without so much as breaking a sweat (or candelabra).

In keeping with the time of its release and the landscape of popular media particularly in Japan, Rondo of Blood feels like a traditional 1990s action anime complete with brightly coloured cutscenes and character designs reminiscent of Rumiko Takahashi and Rui Araizumi (despite the usual classic horror elements present in every Castlevania game). This is most evident with Maria Renard, the second playable protagonist who attacks with her own arsenal of magical animals and even has her own upbeat theme music during the credits when players complete the main story in “Maria mode”. Richter also shares many similar personality traits with his counterpart, namely his optimism in the face of danger and the confidence that he will be the hero of this narrative.

Of course all this changed in the direct follow-up to Rondo of Blood , the aforementioned Symphony of the Night . Arguably the new staple of future Castlevania games to come, not only did it change the gameplay and aesthetic, it changed the very core of the characters as well. The game even begins with the same ending as Rondo of Blood where Richter fights and defeats Dracula with the help of Maria. Then during the opening crawl, we discover that during a time skip, Richter has vanished and Maria is searching for him. Surely this will be nothing less than a heroic rescue and the most powerful Belmont of his century will be restored to his rightful pedestal.

Yet for the first half of Symphony of the Night , the player is faced with a sobering realisation—the villain we’re supposed to be fighting, the one responsible for conjuring Dracula’s castle back into existence, is Richter himself. No longer the hero we’ve come to adore and look up to from the previous game. Of course, the player along with new protagonist Alucard both know that something isn’t right; perhaps Richter isn’t in his sound mind or some nefarious force is possessing him to commit evil deeds. But unless the player solves the right puzzles and find the right in-game items, Symphony ends with Alucard putting down Richter like a rabid dog. However, this ending can be avoided and a whole second half of the game is revealed.

Richter’s canonical ending is left ambiguous at best, tragic at worst. He laments over his moment of weakness, claiming the events of the game were his fault despite Alucard’s insistence that confronting Dracula was always going to be inevitable. Still, the tragedy of Richter’s fate and how he is portrayed in Symphony of the Night comes much later, when it’s implied the Belmonts are no longer capable of wielding the fabled Vampire Killer, a leather whip imbued with supernatural properties that has been passed down generation after generation. One mistake and misjudgment left the Belmont legacy in a perpetual long lasting limbo with the titular hunters themselves seemingly disappearing from history as well, leaving others such as the Order of Ecclesia to pick up the fight against Dracula’s eventual resurgence. It isn’t until the height of World War II (the setting of Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin ) when the whip’s true potential is finally set free thanks to the actions of Jonathan Morris, a distant relative of the infamous vampire slaying family. However, the only way in which Jonathan can reawaken the Vampire Killer is by defeating a manifestation of the person who last wielded it and also whom the whip abandoned nearly two hundred years prior—Richter Belmont.

Yet players and fans don’t get to see it in the hands of another Belmont until the events of 1999 when Julius Belmont defeats the latest incarnation of Dracula and seals his castle away in a solar eclipse. Even then, he loses his memory until thirty years pass and he’s forced to do battle with Soma Cruz, an innocent transfer student who is also the reincarnation of Dracula. If the protagonist of Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow succeeds in defeating the cosmic threat that has awakened his supposed “evil” destiny, then Julius can finally lay down the Vampire Killer in peace (until the sequel Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow , of course). If not, the game ends with Julius keeping his promise to Soma should he lose sight of his human side and let Dracula be reborn once again. In a scene that directly mirrors the beginning of Symphony , Julius enters the castle throne room, Soma throws down his wine goblet, and the screen goes black. The cycle continues anew. Julius has upheld the duty of his family name but at what cost.

The theme of tragedy getting passed down through different generations, permeating from person to person even with those who are not Belmonts, is a staple of later Castlevania games following Symphony of the Night . In some instances, pain and trauma is what jumpstarts the story moving forward. Castlevania: Curse of Darkness begins with its protagonist Hector in a direct parallel to Dracula swearing revenge on the one responsible for the murder of his wife; an ultimatum that follows him every step of the way, fuelling his rage and determination up until the penultimate moment when his goal is within reach. Yet even then he cries out, claiming this “murderous impulse” isn’t truly him—it’s the result of an outside force he himself once aided before defecting before the events of the game.

Something similar occurs in Castlevania: Lords of Shadow , an alternative reimagining of the franchise that while still a topic of division amongst most die hard fans has also seen a resurgence of popularity and reevaluation. It begins with Gabriel Belmont grieving over the death of his own wife (a trope which is unfortunately common amongst the majority of Castlevania titles). This is a wound that follows him throughout his journey until an even more painful and shattering twist regarding Marie Belmont’s demise is revealed to Gabriel later in the game.

However, there is one example from the games that stands above the rest in regards to the sort of damage which generational trauma as a result of familial duty and legacy, upheld to an almost religious degree, can inflict. So much so that even a declaration of retribution can evolve into a generational curse.

—

HUNT THE NIGHT: LEON BELMONT & THE MYTH OF FREE WILL

The Castlevania timeline didn’t always have a set beginning. An inciting incident by which all future stories, characters, and inevitable calamities could base themselves off of. Rather it changed from game to game until a definitive origin was settled in 2003 with the release of Castlevania: Lament of Innocence . For at least two games, the starting point was supposed to be with Simon Belmont, making his way through a labyrinth of dark forests and cursed towns, before finally traversing the ever changing fortress in Transylvania to defeat Dracula. He even went as far as to gather the remains and resurrect the eponymous lord of his own choice just to rid himself of another curse entirely.

Castlevania protagonists are always cursed by something. Whether it be the cause of Dracula’s influence, their own actions as seen in Lords of Shadow , a curse of the flesh like how Simon had to tackle his own ailment in Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest , or something else just as common as Dracula’s curse: the burden of honouring a family duty.

A basic yet iconic 1986 entry followed by a sequel that had potential especially with the first appearance of the now famous “Bloody Tears” track but suffered from a rather confusing and lacklustre end product. Then suddenly the starting point for the franchise timeline changed drastically. Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse despite the numerical inclusion in its title stands as more of a prequel, detailing the exploits of the Belmont who came before Simon. Not much was altered in the grand scheme of things; the titular vampire hunter still essentially slays Dracula with the help of three other playable characters, said final boss having been driven mad and more violent than ever by humanity’s slight against him. However, not only were the methods by which Dracula is defeated changed but players were given more insight into the sort of burden placed upon the Belmont family name.

When the story of Dracula’s Curse begins, protagonist Trevor Belmont isn’t revered as a legend or hero but rather a blight on larger society who the people only turn to as a last ditch effort against rising evil. The regular god-fearing people of Wallachia now fear the Belmonts and their power (it is also implied that some still feared the barbarian-esque Simon despite his legendary status) so the family is excommunicated. Trevor is forced to enlist three other outcasts—or simply two other fighters, depending on which version of the story you examine—in order to carry out the family business. Even when the rest of the world has shunned them and there are plenty of others just as capable of stopping the forces of evil, a Belmont still has a destiny to fulfil.

Yet once a series has gone on for long enough, things within the established canon are bound to change—again and again. Whether through re-examination in order to line it up better with present day morals and sensibilities, or through good old fashioned retconning in favour of something more interesting, more thought out, or less convoluted. Other times, it’s simply because either the creator or viewers wanted it to happen. In 1997, this occurred with the release of Castlevania Legends on the GameBoy, a prequel to Dracula’s Curse that was meant to serve as the actual origin for the Belmonts, Dracula, and even his son Alucard. Instead of Trevor, the very first Belmont to fight Dracula is now his mother, Sonia Belmont, seventeen years old and already burdened with the glorious purpose of her bloodline.

Sonia is undoubtedly the protagonist of her own story with agency and drive. However, the game ends with a stark reminder of why the Belmonts have a place in the Castlevania universe. The last we see of Sonia in Legends is in the form of an epilogue where she holds her newborn child and states that one day when he’s grown, he will “be praised by all the people as a hero”. Despite her triumph over Dracula—a monumental feat itself—it seems that her purpose in the end (the purpose of most Belmonts other than to forever fight evil in fact) was to merely continue the bloodline so that descendants can carry out a promise made centuries before by another Belmont—someone that neither Simon, Trevor, Julius, or Richter ever knew.

The inevitability of sudden retcons within long-running media was not as kind to Legends as it was to Dracula’s Curse . Because of how the in-game events conflicted with subsequent entries (for example the implication that Trevor is actually the son of Alucard, thus further tying the Belmonts to Dracula through blood as well as duty), both Legends and Sonia were completely removed from the canon timeline. This is merely one reason why the next attempt at creating the definitive origin for the franchise, now a cult favourite among certain subsections of the fan community, was regarded with some animosity. However, twenty years after its release, Castlevania: Lament of Innocence is considered by many as an underrated entry. It is certainly the darker title where both the hero and villain stumble through their own hardships yet neither emerges completely victorious by the end.

The opening narration crawl of Lament of Innocence describes the lives of Leon Belmont and Mathias Cronqvist. They spend most of their lives as reflections of each other; one grows into more of a fighter while the second is coveted for his intellect and ambition. Both are valorous, honourable, and products of their own respective plights. Despite his service to the church, Leon is soon systematically stripped of everything save for the clothes on his back because he wouldn’t follow their orders blindly. While Mathias is forced to watch as an uncaring god (the very same god he serves) takes away a figure of pure virtue and love. This figure, Elisabeta Cronqvist who appears to be a splitting image of Dracula’s next deceased wife Lisa Tepes, was the last remaining tie Mathias still had to whatever bit of morality he still feels, which he eventually throws away when deciding to drag his only friend and everything he holds dear into hell alongside him.

The difference is how both men react to those personal horrors and how they let it govern their pasts, presents, and futures not just for themselves but for others who follow after the dust has supposedly settled. Two men, two best friends turned hateful enemies because of an interlinked tragedy. Not only that, but also because of their perspectives, morals, and the way they view a world that is unkind to them. Both were spurred by the death of loved ones, both used it as a conduit, or rather a catalyst for the radically opposing directions in which their choices take them and their families. Leon chooses to struggle onwards towards a world free from darkness and horror despite his pain. Mathias chooses to revel in that very same darkness and pain with a fire that would burn for aeons. In the end, one thing is absolute. A single thing the two men can agree upon as they flee down adverse paths: one of them will destroy the other.

Yet the timeline of Castlevania proves that this choice comes at a great cost for the Belmonts in particular. By the end of Lament of Innocence , Mathias has revealed himself to be the great manipulator pulling the strings behind the scenes. Due to the immense grief he felt over losing Elisabeta to a presumably common illness made untreatable because of the time period’s medical limitations (coupled with his own arrogance and narcissism), Mathias finally becomes Dracula. Dominion over death and even god by has been achieved by doing what Leon’s righteously moral mind cannot comprehend: transforming himself into an immortal creature driven by bloodlust. All he had to do was lie, cheat, and cruelly outsmart everyone else around him. That of course includes Leon as Mathias’ manipulation tactics were also the cause of the mercy killing of Sara Tarantoul, Leon’s fiance, to stop her from turning into a vampire herself. After watching his former friend escape before the sun can rise and disposing of Dracula’s constant right hand man Death, Leon finally feels his anger over such a betrayal boil over. He gives one final message to Mathias, now the new king of the vampires: “This whip and my kinsmen will destroy you someday. From this day on, the Belmont Clan will hunt the night.”

This is how Castlevania: Lament of Innocence ends. Unlike other entries like Symphony of the Night, Aria of Sorrow, or Harmony of Dissonance , there is no good, neutral, or bad ending that can be achieved if the player is aware of certain secrets and tricks. There is only one for Leon and Mathias. The inclusion of multiple endings in some Castlevania games versus a singular set ending in others may seem like a small coincidental narrative choice in conjunction with evolving gameplay, but it matters in the case of Lament of Innocence. From the moment Leon enters the castle to rescue his fiance, the wheel has already started turning and his fate is sealed. Mathias has already won and Sara, along with future Belmonts, are already doomed. And Leon’s ultimatum made in the heat of the moment would go on to have repercussions centuries later. “Hunting the night” gave the Belmonts purpose but it also burdened them with that exact purpose. While Dracula deals in curses, so does the Belmont family—a curse of duty that gets passed down throughout the bloodline.

Leon Belmont was of course never malicious or cruel like Mathias was. He never wanted to deliberately curse his family because he suffered and so should they. His choice was made out of anger and retribution. Still, it goes on to affect Simon, Sonia, Julius, and others in drastic yet different ways. Yet in the case of specific Belmonts like Trevor and Richter, we see how this family legacy can have varied consequences in far more detail through the introduction of animation and serialised writing into the Castlevania franchise.

—

SOMETHING BETTER THAN A PILE OF RUINS: TREVOR BELMONT & STRENGTH FROM LEGACY

If there’s one thing that Castlevania makes abundantly clear with its four season runtime, it is that trauma does not inherently make people better or more virtuous. We of course see this from the games with Mathias and his personal crusade against god which leads to the complete dissolvement of his closest friendship. Or with Hector and the rage he feels towards his wife’s murderer, who also happens to be his former comrade under Dracula’s employment. Even Leon’s promise to both his friend, now his most despised enemy, and future descendants can also be an example of how gut reactions to pain, grief, and betrayal can have damaging consequences in the long run. This particular dissection of trauma when it affects a survivor negatively and in almost life-altering ways while still giving them a chance at achieving their own method of healing is most apparent with the animated representation of Trevor Belmont.

At its core, the first season of Castlevania airing in July of 2017 with four episodes in total is inspired by the events of Dracula’s Curse with the following seasons taking more from Curse of Darkness along with original story elements. It begins with the brutal execution of Lisa Tepes after she is falsely accused of being a witch. Shortly afterwards, Dracula declares war on all of humanity in an explosion of grief-riddled vengeance (a declaration that is not dissimilar to Mathias’ cursing of god after Elisabeta’s admittedly more natural death). Hundreds of civilians are slaughtered in the capital city Targoviste and hoards of night creatures descend upon more townships across Wallachia.

This would be the perfect opportunity for a Belmont to stand up and fight back except there is one problem: the Belmonts have been eradicated from this world on false grounds of black magic and aiding the vampire lords instead of hunting them—much like how Lisa was slandered and paid the price with her own life.

The only Belmont left surviving is Trevor himself and his introduction does not paint him in the most optimistic or even heroic light. In the midst of being excommunicated by the church, he’s been wandering aimlessly for the past few years while languishing in whatever tavern he stumbles upon. In one particular bar Trevor finds himself in, he overhears the other patrons cursing the Belmonts and blaming them for Dracula’s siege upon humanity. He tries to stay out of it and not bring too much attention to himself until one glance at the family emblem stitched into his shirt breast is enough to ignite an all out skirmish.

Trevor hides his true identity not because he’s ashamed of it, but for his own safety and self preservation. In fact, the opinion he holds of his family is the total opposite from disdain for the sort of legacy they have saddled him with even in death. He reacts strongly to false accusations directed towards the Belmonts, angrily correcting the bar patrons by stating that his family fought monsters. However, he quickly realises he’s said too much and tries saving face by once again detaching himself from possibly being connected to the aforementioned Belmonts.

It’s only when Trevor is backed into a corner and is fresh out of snappy drunk retorts (thanks to a few hard hits to his nether regions) does he finally admit to his real lineage. As mentioned earlier, Trevor finds himself caught up in the first real brawl of the series not because of the pride he feels in himself but the immense pride he feels for his bloodline. All the while, he’s given up trying to hide what he is—a Belmont—and what he was born to do—fight fucking vampires.

Every time Trevor has the opportunity to bring up his bloodline whether in a fight or in conversation, it’s usually spoken with some bravado and weight even when he’s inebriated. However, when visiting the ruins of the Belmont ancestral home in season two and thus directly confronted with what little remains of his family legacy, Trevor loses all that previous bluster and becomes far more contemplative. He doesn’t reveal much of what it was like to actually live as a Belmont, only that it was “fine” and “no one was lonely in this house”. Even when staring up at the portrait of Leon Belmont, he says nothing and instead firmly grips the very weapons which his ancestor must have also wielded.

It’s clear that Trevor feels no shame, bitterness, or lack of respect towards his family history despite the hardships that have come with it. Still, it’s difficult for him to truly accept the duty of being a Belmont and Trevor continually struggles with it over the course of two full seasons. Upon arriving at the ruined city of Gresit which is under constant threat of night creature attacks, Trevor doesn’t seem particularly concerned with the people’s plight or with helping them. He inquires about what’s been happening by speaking with a few local merchants but it’s only in order for him to gain a better picture of the situation that Gresit finds itself in. Otherwise, he’s simply passing through on his way to another tavern, fist fight, sleeping spot, or all three. Until he puts aside his own needs for self-protection in favour of saving an elder Speaker (a fictionalised group of nomads original to the Castlevania show who have made it their mission to help less fortunate communities and pass on their histories via oral tradition) from a potential hate crime committed by two supposed men of the cloth.

This moment acts as a representation of the first chip in Trevor’s carefully maintained armour. During the bar fight, he claimed over and over again that he was a Belmont in both skill and purpose. However, Trevor hasn’t done much to prove such a proclamation. Because of his ennui and poor coping mechanisms due to lingering trauma, he’s been all talk and not a lot of action—until this point. At first he tells himself to walk away, this sort of confrontation doesn’t concern him. Then he remembers where he comes from and uses the very same family heirloom to help someone physically weaker than himself.

Yet when he accompanies the elder back to where the other Speakers have found shelter from the monsters repeatedly demanding their heads as well as future night creature attacks, Trevor’s metaphorical walls are erected back up. He won’t take any part in this eradication of humanity whether as a victim or perpetrator and especially not to stop it. The people of Wallachia made their choice in the unjust murder of Dracula’s innocent wife, they made their choice when they decided to massacre what was left of his family, and the church made their choice when they decided to fight Dracula’s armies themselves without the Belmonts. Why should he lift a finger (or whip) to save the masses?

Despite this nihilistic attitude, Trevor proves to be a poor defeatist. He still desperately wants to protect the Speakers and warns them of an oncoming pogrom planned for them. A massive hate crime fueled by superstition and facilitated by the corrupt Bishop of Gresit which will supposedly save the city from night creature ambushes (this can be interpreted as a direct allegory meant to comment on how minority groups such as Jewish and Romani communities were used as scapegoats during the Mediaeval period). However, the Speakers refuse to budge and decide to face the angry and misled crowds head-on. They instead tell Trevor to leave in their place which, in a burst of frustration, spurs him to finally act like a member of his clan should.

What follows next is one of the most defining moments of the series for Trevor, cementing his place as a Belmont. Another corrupt member of the church demands to know what he could possibly stand to gain from fighting back considering his downtrodden state and the fact that he’s entirely outnumbered. Trevor’s answer is simple: nothing. The Belmonts don’t protect everyday people for any great reward or because of any strong personal ties. They do it because it’s their duty and the right thing to do. Trevor even mirrors something which the elder Speaker told him; a family mantra that encompasses the very purpose of the Belmonts, dating back to Leon: “It’s not the dying that frightens us. It’s never having stood up and fought for you.”

Trevor’s healing journey does not end at this moment. He still has moments of hesitation where someone like Alucard has to forcibly remind him of his place as Belmont, saying he needs to choose whether he’s really the last of a long line of hunters or a drunkard. This leads to a fight sequence that nearly spans the length of an entire episode where Trevor further proves himself by taking on at least three different creatures all with varying degrees of strength, skill, and fortitude. Episode six of season two is the ideal example of not only Trevor’s determination but also his quick thinking. Moments such as him wrapping his cloak around his hand so that it doesn’t get cut while his sword slices through the throat of a minotaur or using a set of sticks to beat against an adversary when his whip is knocked away. Being a Belmont means using one’s intellect (no matter how unconventional it may seem) as well as one’s muscles.

There is also another albeit less violent instance at the start of season three where he still feels the need to hide his surname while in an unfamiliar village. Then there is the revelation that malicious stories about the Belmonts and their supposed demise still circulate amongst rural Wallachian communities. Yet despite coming from a family of old killers (a term Trevor uses before facing off against Death in the final season) his family name remains his strength and the weight of both the Vampire Killer and Morningstar whip keep him grounded rather than burden him. The Belmont name carries such weight throughout the series that by the end, there is strong consideration from Alucard of naming a new township nestled in the shadow of Dracula’s castle after that family.

Trevor deals with his pain and trauma quietly, almost numbing it with the assistance of alcohol and dodging the harder questions regarding what his family was really like. He still finds strength in remembering what the Belmonts are here for despite the tribulations that come with the family name. Hardships that continue and evolve nearly three hundred years later.

—

THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WHO I AM: RICHTER BELMONT & STRENGTH FROM LOVE

Depending on what sort of mood you might find the author of this essay in, their favourite Castlevania game will vary. At the moment, it’s a three way tie between Symphony of the Night for its artistry, Lament of Innocence for its story and characterisation, and Aria of Sorrow for its evolved gameplay. However, one personal decision remains relatively consistent no matter the mood or time of day: Richter Belmont is the author’s favourite Belmont and the inclusion of him in the latest animated adaptation Castlevania: Nocturne has only cemented that fact.

It makes sense from both a narrative and marketing standpoint as to why we’ve suddenly gone from the events of Dracula’s Curse/Curse of Darkness depicted in the previous series all the way three hundred years later to Rondo of Blood . Narratively, Richter and his companion Maria Renard already have a direct link to Alucard through the events of Symphony , which Nocturne will most likely cover and be inspired by in its second season. Marketing wise while also appealing to the largest demographic possible (even those less familiar with the games), amongst more recurring characters like Dracula and Alucard, Richter is arguably one of the most recognisable Castlevania figures right down to his design.

Certain traits and visual motifs of other Belmonts have changed drastically over the years and with each iteration. Meanwhile, from Rondo and Symphony , to Harmony of Despair and the mobile game Grimoire of Souls , to finally Nocturne and the inclusion of Richter as a playable character in the fighting game Super Smash Bros Ultimate , specific elements of Richter never waver. This includes his blue colour scheme, his tousled brown hair, and his iconic white headband. All of which carry over in the first season of Nocturne which not only expands upon Richter’s character first established in Rondo of Blood but also further examines said character.

For example, Richter’s true introduction directly following the downer cold opening is without a doubt the farest cry from Trevor’s. While Trevor’s first scene acted as a sobering depiction of what happens when physically/mentally damaging coping mechanisms mix with unacknowledged grief, Richter’s first fight gets the audience’s blood pumping, complete with a triumphant musical score and a showcase of his skill with the Vampire Killer. Richter is cocky, but not reckless. He’s sarcastic, but not sullen like Trevor was. Because of his upbringing after the death of his mother, filled with positive affirmations, he values the wellbeing of others along with their fighting experience. Yet his confidence does not overshadow his acknowledgement of the family burden. Richter is well aware of how heavy the Belmont legacy and duty can weigh upon an individual’s shoulders along with how closely it can tie itself around a person’s life and their death—a reminder as well as memory which haunts him for nine years.

When Nocturne begins, its first major fight sequence takes place between Richter’s mother Julia Belmont (an original character for the show) and the vampire Olrox, an enemy taken from Symphony of the Night now reimagined as a seductive, complex Indigenous vampire on his own path towards vengeance against the very person who took away the one he loved most in this world—just one of many thematic parallels to the first series, this time referencing Dracula’s motives and justification for his grief. Just when it seems like Julia has the upper hand thanks to her magical prowess, Olrox transforms and ends her life in a swift yet brutal manner. All of which happens right before ten-year-old Richter’s eyes.

Julia was simply doing her duty as a vampire hunter and her life as a Belmont ended the same as most of her ancestors did: in battle while fighting for the life of another. Why then did it hurt Richter most of all? Why does it haunt him well into his early adult years? And why was it seemingly more so than how Trevor’s trauma haunted him? There are two probable answers to this, one being that Richter was only a child, directly confronted by the cause for his mother’s sudden and graphic death with no way of fighting back despite being a Belmont.

In the case of Trevor, although he was a few years older than Richter when his entire family and ancestral home were burned in front of his eyes presumably by the same people they were supposed to be defending, the circumstances which followed them afterwards are vastly different. For nine years Richter was surrounded by those who loved and cared for him whereas Trevor only had himself and the hoards of average Wallachians who hated him because of superstitious rumours and the church’s condemnation. Trevor had over a decade’s worth of experience in becoming desensitised to his pain and trauma, masking it beneath self deprecation and numbing it with alcohol. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that he was a deeply sad and lonely individual until Sypha pointed it out to him.

Despite his bravado and brighter personality than his ancestor, Richter is also an incredibly sad, hurt person who suffers somewhat from tunnel vision. He obviously has empathy and wants to protect people from monsters, vampires, and the like. More so than Trevor did during his introduction before his moment of self-made rehabilitation. However, he doesn’t seem to care much about the revolution itself or what it stands for. He attends Maria’s rally meetings but he doesn’t take active part in them, opting to stay back and keep a watch out for any vampire ambushes. He admits that he doesn’t really listen to Maria’s speeches about liberty, equality, and fraternity. And in the most prominent example of his disillusionment with fighting for a larger righteous cause, when given a revolutionary’s headband, he shoves it into his pocket and mumbles about how tired he is of everything.

This could be interpreted as defeatist if Richter wasn’t already trying so hard to uphold his family duty and maintain a level head. He needs to have a sense of control and almost achieves it until Olrox so casually confronts him in the middle of a battle which Richter and his friends seemed to be winning until they’re forced to flee close behind him. When Richter runs away and emotionally breaks down the moment he’s finally alone, it isn’t because he’s weak or cowardly. On a surface level, it was due to his fear and panic over not being able to face his mother’s killer (someone who has proven to be much, much stronger and more powerful than any Belmont). Yet it was also a form of harsh admission to himself. He couldn’t maintain that aforementioned sense of control and perhaps he never will, not where he is right now at least.

It isn’t until he’s reunited with his grandfather Juste Belmont (long thought to have died, leaving Richter as the final Belmont) that this negative mindset brought on by unresolved trauma begins to shift. In many ways, Juste is another callback to what happened with Trevor. He suffered an immense tragedy in the past and has since spent his entire life drifting from tavern to tavern, avoiding his own grandson and instead leaving him in the care of people far more capable of raising him and instilling better morals within the youngest Belmont.

Other mentor-esque characters appear in Nocturne such as Tera who raised Richter alongside her biological daughter Maria. There is also Cecile, the leader of a Maroon group which Annette joins after escaping slavery. Despite their individual pains, these two women maintain the hope that humanity can be changed and the evils of the world can be defeated. Meanwhile, Juste has thoroughly lost his own hope. He reveals to Richter that “evil will always win” because of how it permeates everything and is far stronger than any Belmont, even the most magically inclined members. No matter how many Draculas, Carmillas, or Lord Ruthvens are defeated, it will always find a way to creep back to the surface whether through the upper class of France or through the very colonisation that nearly wiped out Olrox’s people or enslaved Annette’s family.

One of the first things that Juste says to Richter directly references the sheer weight of the Belmont legacy, all of which culminates within the whip itself. This can also be a reference to the Vampire Killer carrying a living soul as Leon Belmont was only able to awaken its true power by sacrificing Sara Tarantoul. The whip has both a metaphorical and literal weight which the Belmonts must come to terms with.

Yet for Richter, family is maintained not through blood ties, which can easily die out or be abandoned because of generational trauma, but through the people we find and attach ourselves to. Under the immediate threat of losing his found family, all of Richter’s pain and anguish explodes when his magical powers violently return to him in one of the most visually impressive and cathartic moments of Nocturne season one, complete with an orchestral and operatic rendition of “Divine Bloodlines” taken straight from Rondo of Blood as he ties the same headband he nearly discarded earlier around his head. Then once the dust settles and Richter is asked by Juste how he managed to tap back into that great power, he simply responds with the most obvious answer he can come up with: there are people who love him and he loves them in return.

This is reiterated when Richter is reunited with Annette and describes the same revelation when she asks how he was able to regain his magic. Not just a mental revelation but for Richter, it was a physical sensation as well. Just when he believed he had lost everything, something reminded him of all the things worth protecting in his life and all the pain he’s had to endure.

Richter finally donning his iconic white headband is symbolic of not only his decision to actively join the French Revolution but also his revelation that the love he feels for Maria, Annette, and Tera is his own righteous cause. That, to him, is worth defending just as much if not more than the concept of a centuries old curse turned legacy.

—

SLAVES TO OUR FAMILIES' WISHES: CONCLUSION

Richter, both his game depiction and his recent Nocturne iteration, acts as a reflection and subversion of what a Belmont is along with what that family duty means to different members. Trevor found healing from his trauma through his duty. Richter found his healing through love. Of course Trevor loved Sypha and Alucard in his own way, but throughout the entire first series, from the moment he removed his cloak at the end of season one to standing up against Death in the finale, his driving motivation was always to preserve his family’s legacy despite his own shortcomings. The Belmonts were all but gone and Trevor had been exiled, excommunicated, and turned into a societal pariah. Had he given into despair and continued with his vagabond ways, who else would wield the Morningstar, the Vampire Killer, or any of the knowledge cultivated by previous Belmont generations?

But for Richter, family legacy is more of a nebulous concept. It gets mentioned in conversations and we see its varying effects on individuals, but even when Richter is reunited with Juste, the immediate priorities of his found family takes the place of his blood family. This, according to him, makes him a Belmont.

It is also important to consider that we are still only on the first season of Castlevania: Nocturne with season two having been renewed and in production merely a week after its initial premiere. With the reveal of Alucard as a last minute cliffhanger in the penultimate episode, it will be interesting to see how his own characterisation as well as his close tie with both the Belmonts and his own family burden will further develop especially after three hundred years within the show’s timeline. One of the biggest possibilities is that in contrast with his youthful brashness and instability that was the crux of his character in the first series, Alucard might serve as a sort of mentor figure or perhaps his own generational pain will bond him further to Richter and Maria, more so than he was in Symphony of the Night . Then there is the question of whether Richter in the midst of the apparent losses he suffered during the finale of season one will follow down the same path that his video game counterpart did.

In 2020, the author wrote another Castlevania -centric essay which detailed the visual, thematic, and aesthetical shifts of the franchise from its inception during the 1980s all the way to the 2017 adaptation through focusing on how these changes affected Alucard. By the end of that essay, it was mentioned that despite the show being renewed for at least one more season, the overall future of Castlevania remained unknown. This is still the case for now.

Though one can make educated assumptions and theories, there’s no way of knowing what sort of direction season two of Nocturne will take with its themes and characters. This is doubly true for the games themselves. Despite the anticipated releases of the Silent HIll 2 and Metal Gear Solid Delta: Snake Eater remakes, as of now Konami has not revealed any official decisions to remake, rerelease, or produce new Castlevania titles. One can hope that due to the success of both shows along with the anticipation for Silent Hill and Metal Gear Solid remakes that something new will be in store for Castlevania in the near future.

Castlevania , both its games and animation adaptations, prove that there is a place in this world for every kind of story. In the last episode of season one airing in July 2017, Alucard states what could very well be the thesis of the entire franchise: “We are all, in the end, slaves to our families’ wishes”. Yet even if we cannot escape the narrative we’ve been latched onto or, for dramatic purposes, cursed with, there are ways in which we can combat it and forge our own healing process.

—

MEDIA REFERENCED

Castlevania (1986)

Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest (1987)

Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse (1989)

Castlevania: Rondo of Blood (1993)

Castlevania Legends (1997)

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997)

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (2003)

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (2003)

Castlevania: Curse of Darkness (2005)

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow (2011)

Castlevania (2017—2021)

Castlevania: Nocturne (2023—)

#castlevania #castlevania netflix #castlevania nocturne #trevor belmont #richter belmont #leon belmont #castlevania symphony of the night #my writing #god its been so long since i wrote an actual essay pls be gentle with me.....

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9w1ft · 2 months ago

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Okay okay set the scene-

champagne problems. 1 for the money (the first wedding)

2 for the show (the second highly broadcasted wedding featuring scooter Braun)

I never was ready (to come out?) so I watched you go (deeper into a bearding contract so that we can hide in plain sight and commit vigilante shit). I do belive that we were on for a public reunion and coming out before the masters heist.

anyways champagne problems making sense today.

oh yes and on a base level when we all first listened through evermore and got to champagne problems i would venture to guess that this was the prevailing thought for sure, but sort of in a dry humor way 🥴

also this!

one thing that i agree with that i sense from your interpretation is that (and this i feel is true about so much of folklore and i back this up with things taylor herself has written) is that it’s a mixture of feelings that arose over multiple moments and events, not a one to one thing that means only one thing. in other words, to me, champagne problems is not “someone got proposed to and got denied and therefore there was no wedding”. to me it’s more like using it as a metaphor for conveying the feelings she had around certain things. also i agree that i do think taylor was gearing up for some sort of coming out at the end of june 2019. but ultimately she changed course. and while i think that champagne problems can depict a certain feeling that she had and deal with things that happened that are wedding themed, in the sense of taking the temperature on the status of that relationship i always return to a song that feels chronologically newer, the lakes, and the line “i’m setting off, but not without my muse, no not without you.” when thinking about the overall arc of taylor’s moves post-june 2019. in retrospect, i also find the line “she’ll patch up your tapestry that i shred” to be similar to the motif of the banner found in other songs, “tore our banners down” and “years of tearing down our banners” — to me, champagne problems is representative of another time that taylor tore the banners down on something. that could be 2019, it could be earlier, like post-election 2016 maybe, but moreover, it’s one of a series of moments over time, not an end.

i thought i’d mention that the second wedding thing was positioned more like an extended reception for their business circles (scooter was her manager at the time). some family and friends came too but it had a distinct work friends vibe. a big dinner and activities. the first one was positioned more like a ceremony and intimate event with a smaller circle of friends and family. which i might add isn’t that weird conceptually (to have a smaller ceremony and then a bigger party later) or at least that’s how i went about doing my wedding years ago so 😆 like it was definitely sus (and silly!) of them to do two events, silly in an absurdist, god can’t we catch a break sort of way, but also not unheard of conceptually imo.

also if you could allow me a long tangent regarding one other tiny point that came to mind when reading your ask (and i’m sorry for getting particular about semantics and i’m mostly writing this because i’ve gotten a lot of newer followers lately so it’s not directed at you in particular nor am i sure you meant it that way but it did make me think something so here i go) it’s just that i think that it can be beneficial to us as observers of kaylor to consider a contract to be something that is signed and negotiated by two or more parties, and therefore, usually, it is a document that is considered balanced for all parties which is evidenced by approval through their signatures. that is to say, i think oftentimes we talk about adding marriage to bearding as going deeper into the closet and maybe we see the words ‘bearding contract’ and we talk about it like its a somewhat nefarious thing but, in spirit, a bearding contract is a document to facilitate the terms of something complicated and nuanced and important that shouldn’t be done on the fly. sometimes i feel like people think as if karlie and/or taylor were strong armed into some raw deal and that they are being bound and held captive to their true feelings, but i think that is a tenuous path to walk down. because when people see bearding as some sort of trapping mechanism to get out of, and then set expectations for what they want the girls to do in terms of how to get out of it, and their expectations do not get fulfilled, they tend to blame this on things which have been arbitrarily marked as unfair. and i think it often leads to people running to the concepts of blackmail, criminality, etcetera, as a catch all to explain and justify their ideals about how taylor or karlie should act. when we simply do not know the truth of the matter. and in terms of maintaining a healthy fandom community ecosystem, in my opinion, we ought to be able to amend our view of things with more ease and make the observation of kaylor a net positive in our lives as opposed to setting ourselves up to become angry or feeling perpetually disenfranchised at every turn based on the way we choose to define things. i am not saying we should not empathize with the complexity and tribulations of their situation or not hope for a future where we can all live life freely. i very much do. and i think there are hard times and sadness for them because of the realities of society. it’s just that, as a group, i think it is more useful or helpful for people like taylor to not have to worry about appeasing our feelings. she should have to spend time on us. in my opinion, in terms of priorities, we are behind other groups of people in her life and that’s how it should be. and so, i tend to avoid thinking about their situation as something bleak that they are getting buried under and may never get out of, but rather a uniquely complex situation that merits us extending some grace toward, in terms of setting expectations. and i think that the way we think about bearding or bearding contracts can affect our general mood and morale.

alright, thank you for allowing my tangent!

one parting idea for me is that, for example even in champagne problems, taylor was not ready personally to go through with something and that through the song she is acknowledging this hesitancy that came from her and how that might have ruined an envisioned version of things in a way, but that at the end of the day these are ‘champagne problems’ ie, problems that exist within the greater context of a situation of abundance. in a way, to me, taylor is saying, i know we have so much and at the end of the day maybe this hurt ought not to be compared to people in the world less fortunate, but i feel compelled to share this emotion anyway. there’s this tension in the song, for me anyway, between telling herself that her feelings aren’t important, and embracing and letting her feelings out (mostly the bridge). at the end of the song, reflecting on having torn down a banner, taylor hopes that her lover could find someone who could do what she could not in the moment, someone who recognizes how the bones are good, and she calls all her aforementioned feelings champagne problems. not that she necessarily believes that they are, nor is there magically some new person in the equation, but that she recognizes the difference in viewpoints between her and her lover and is wondering how to bridge the gap. i think in some ways that connects to the song happiness in the sense that taylor refers to her future self “all you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness, you haven’t met the new me yet, and i think she’ll give you that”

#this got long anon i’m sorry!! but thank you for pulling some lacent thoughts out of me! it’s #been awhile

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gingerlee-holds · 1 year ago

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Letting Off Steam

this is a bday fic for @littleleesblog!! my first steps into the hazbin writing community heehee! idk if people like this one, ill write sequels about him getting charlie (me), angel, idk we'll see

btw yada yada this is a tword fic- Ler!Alastor Lee!Lucifer

Word Count: Reading Time: Warnings: Idk, swearing? Alastor bein a lil shit? barely any editing?

If you prefer a quieter living space, perhaps the Hazbin Hotel isn’t for you. Loud arguments and the commonplace occurrence of walls being blown in could make for a very harsh experience on the ears - not to mention the frequent singing. There were, however, a few locations at the hotel where it’s quiet, such as Charlie’s room, the library, and, shocking nobody, Alastor’s radio station, located on the far northern side of the hotel on the very top floor. Whenever Alastor got the chance, he stayed in that room for as long as possible during the day - usually to avoid being roped into the shenanigans of the other hotel residents.

On one particular day, however, it seemed like the radio demon couldn’t catch a damn break.

Charlie had called him to the lobby at 7 AM to settle a disagreement between Vaggie and Angel regarding “Breakfast Booze” at the bar. Then, not an hour later, Lucifer was badly practicing the accordion in the lounge. This was followed shortly after that by the TV demon, Vox, interrupting Cherri’s favorite show to deliver a laughably defamatory news segment on Alastor’s performance in his fight with Adam, accompanied by such phrases as ‘pussied out’ and ‘spineless.’ It should come as no surprise that he was already stressed when Charlie cheerfully gathered everybody in the lobby. His entire face hurt with the exertion required to keep a smile.

“Okay, everyone,” Charlie began. I was thinking, what better way to celebrate the grand opening of the newly refurbished hotel than by playing hide-and-seek?” She did a little twirl as she finished, trying vainly to excite her friends.

Angel Dust raised his hand and, not waiting to be called on, asked, “How the hell does that follow?”

Undeterred, Charlie continued. “Hide and seek is a game that requires exploration! We put a lot of work into rebuilding this place, so we should try to enjoy it! Now, who would like to seek first…?”

A hunt. Oh, what luck that on such a poor day as that, Alastor could finally stretch his legs a little and do what he did best: scare the living daylights out of people! His smile widened, and his eyes squinted like a shark when blood was in the water. He stepped forward with perfect posture as always, resting his hand on his cane. “I would be delighted to!”

“No-” Both Lucifer and Husker had begun to protest, but Charlie clapped her hands with glee. Everyone knew she was just happy to have someone invested in her activities.

“Perfect! Count to sixty, and then come look for us!”

“Oh, splendid.” The radio demon casually walked over to the wall, closing his eyes as if it mattered. Hands resting on his cane, he chuckled softly to himself. “One.” He heard silence behind him. “Two.” Again, he heard nobody move.

‘They must not be taking this seriously,’ he thought. Gradually, the sound of radio static began to hum through the lobby as Alastor’s antlers grew larger.

“Three.” Still nothing.

‘I won’t let them ruin this for me, not after today. Drastic measures, then,’ Alastor thought. He cleared his throat innocently. Then a deer call echoed around the room as he turned his head all the way around on his neck, eyes the shape of bright red dials and smile of sharp teeth impossibly wide.

“FOUR.”

It had its intended effect. All of the hotel’s residents yelped various exclamations and expletives and took off in every direction, unsure if they were now hiding for their victory in the game or their lives.

Alastor chuckled softly and turned back towards the wall, appearing normal again. He continued counting, interspacing the numbers with tunes he remembered from a past life, patting his cane to the rhythm. ‘I really should sing more often. It’s a shame I don’t often get the chance,’ he mumbled. Alastor knew he would find each hider eventually - after all, he had a lot of practice with hunting overlords - but Charlie had not mentioned a time limit, meaning he would take his sweet time to savor the silence and the hunt. When he finished counting, he decided to be a bit theatrical and sent a shockwave through the ground at the tap of his cane, instantly turning off every light in the hotel. He turned, smiled eagerly, and sank into the ground as a shadow, moving through the darkness like a cloud of smoke. ‘Now… who to look for first?’

Lucifer Morningstar, king of hell, didn’t realize how fast he was flying until about a minute after Alastor’s little scare. It upset him a little to discover how easily startled he had been, especially since he had easily beaten Adam, who had easily beaten Alastor. He sighed in annoyance as the lights above him went out, and to keep from flying into a wall, he flew to a stop, landing gracefully on the ground. With a subtle flap, his wings glowed softly, surrounding his hallway with a gentle golden light. He walked forward, not looking for a hiding spot. He had a feeling that that didn’t matter.

He suddenly felt a chill on his back. Lucifer whirled around, staring closely into the dark hallway behind him. Sensing no movement, he huffed and walked backward a bit, turning back around only to walk into the chest of the radio demon, letting out an indignant squawk.

“Ah, your highness! It seems you were the first to be found! You’re not very good at this, you know~!” Alastor said in that smug tone.

“Well, Mr. What’s-His-Name,” Lucifer replied as he wiped off the front of his suit before confidently resting both hands on his apple cane. “I’ll have you know I’m only doing this to make my daughter happy. I don’t fear you, busboy.”

Alastor’s eyes narrowed in determination. There was no way he was letting any of the other hotel residents come out on the other side of this activity willing to mess with him. That meant attitude-correcting. “You know I mean no disrespect, your highness!” he said, twirling his cane in one hand while adjusting his tie. “I simply had higher expectations of you!”

“As did I for you! I cannot believe my Charlie put her faith in you of all demons to keep her safe. You had one job, and you-” Lucifer stopped when Alastor sank into the shadows again, disappearing. “Typical.” The king began walking forward again, doing all that he could to give off the impression that he wasn’t scared, but all the effort in the universe couldn’t have held back the squeak that came to his lips when he felt a poke to his side.

“Oh, my~! Someone’s a little on edge~!” came a delighted voice from the darkness. Lucifer growled in frustration and extended his wings to make the hallway as bright as daylight. Unfortunately, this is what Alastor intended, which Lucifer soon discovered when he felt claws scribbling in the pits of his wings, right on the sensitive area where they connected to his back. “Now, what an unfortunate weakness for royalty to possess~!”

Lucifer squealed, buckling over and landing on his knees on the floor. Alastor had suspected that the fallen angel was ticklish since Charlie was a walking tickle spot, but verifying it like this was nothing short of delicious for him.

“Youhuhu- youhuhuhu lihihihittle-! Cuhuhut ihihit ouhuhut!” Lucifer’s strength had left him for some reason, and he found himself powerless to defend himself from the radio demon’s attack. Giggling like a child, he tried in vain to reach around behind him to swat away the attack, but this only opened him up more. Alastor’s claws zipped around and wriggled into his ribs, causing the king to let out an outrageously embarrassing squeal. He swung around to free himself, extending his wing to fling back the demon. It made no contact as he landed with a thump on his back, his hat tossed aside.

“Ah, ah, ah~! I have to make sure you play the game better next time! After all, it’s only fair that there should be consequences for losing, especially being the first to lose!” From beneath him, hands grew from the floor to scribble into Lucifer’s wing pits again, making the fallen angel arch his back in surprise.

“DahAhahahamn yoUhUhuhUuHU!” he laughed, kicking his feet a little. He reached back again to defend himself, only to be met by his apple cane, quickly used to pin his elbows to the floor with a yelp.

“Fell for it again~! Tsk, tsk, your highness! We all must learn from our mistakes here at the Hazbin Hotel~!” Alastor suddenly materialized in front of him, leaning casually against his cane as he smugly observed the plight of the king of hell.

“Yeah, well, you’re a-” Lucifer’s taunt was cut off by his shriek when shadowy hands grew from the ground to wriggle their fingers against his ribs. Alastor’s cooing was absolutely not helping, and it took everything in him not to whine when he felt the hands undo his coat and vest, leaving him in his plain undershirt.

“There we are, now to teach you a lesson!” Alastor watched as his shadow hands continued their evil work, relishing every second of the king’s humiliation. He had ghostly digits wiggling against the ribs, scribbling in the wing pits, and he had just summoned two more hands to squeeze experimentally on the thighs, making Lucifer squeal like Angel’s pig. The fallen angel’s wings flapped on the floor, but his arms were pinned, keeping him firmly grounded.

Alastor smirked and stepped forward, leaning down to wiggle a claw against the king’s belly. “You’re far too precious to act all tough, Your Highness! Don’t worry, I’ll let the others know about this discovery of mine~!” With that, he stood tall, straightened his suit, and turned to walk away, fading into the hallway’s darkness.

“D-dohoHohn’t youhu fu-fuhuhuhCKING-!!” Lucifer couldn’t even get the words out as one final hand scribbled along his collarbone. He could do nothing but lie there on the hallway floor and laugh, hoping that Alastor would eventually have mercy. It might be a while before then since he was the first one found. Maybe he would have to put more effort into hiding next time…

Read the next part here!

#kayde wrote something woah #kayde's in a lee mood tag #ler!alastor #lee!lucifer #hazbin hotel tickles #tickle fic #hazbin hotel tickle #tickle fluff #sfw tickling community #sfw tkl community #tword community

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suspiciouslypinkrosegarden · 10 months ago

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𓆝 𓆟 Armin Week 2024 𓆝 𓆟

Day 3: Prompt Nerd Armin

Description: Nerd Armin x Shy Nerd Reader. You sit behind Armin in class and want to get to know him! Relationship to Armin as well as school (whether it's high school or uni) is left undefined, for all ages, stages and how you personally see Armin. Gender neutral as always.

I didn't have too much time to edit/write, so sorry if flow isn't great! I wanted something quick and cute lol

Pretty blue eyes hidden behind thick black glasses, and a terrible habit of raising his hand with a level of excitement that no one else seemed to have. Armin was the boy who sat in front of you during this class, staring at the back of his blond head more than the white board most days as you zoned out to the background noise of lecture. He always seemed to shrink as the teacher would ask for anyone else to answer the question presented, as if suddenly ashamed he was ten steps ahead of the rest of his peers.

As he entered the classroom each day, the charms and pins on his back pack usually caught your eye, clinking of plastic turning your head in his direction. You admired the way he seemed to show off his interests without shame, everything he owned decked out with references to what sparked his personal joy. This was what helped you take notice of him in the first place, eyes immediately drawn to the wings of freedom sticker on his laptop he carried with him everywhere he went. You wondered if he was looking forward to seeing the finale in theaters soon to be released.

As a couple of weeks passed, summer gone as the leaves fell brown upon the ground, you found yourself collecting data on him subconsciously thanks to his decoration based transparency. A Star Wars notebook, anime keychains, ocean themed stickers, and assorted pencil toppers or themed pens which he’d occasionally chew on. He was a nerd right to his core, and suddenly your few items felt pale in comparison to his elaborately crafted image. Call Armin what you will, but you wanted to get to know him as someone with similar interests and no one to share them with.

In this new semester, you were determined to initiate a conversation somehow, neither of you usually speaking to each other unless instructed to do so for chapter discussions. He already had close friends unlike you, rushing off after class to join together as part of a solid trio, making it hard to say anything as the hour and a half came to a close. He seemed reserved as someone content with his friend group already, while you seemed reserved as someone usually too nervous to speak. But today you’d do your best to reach out to Armin yet again, hoping something small could come of it.

Before lecture, your hand stretched forward in an attempt to tap his back, stopping as he received a phone call from one of his friends about a movie tonight. You pulled away. As the teacher prattled on about an unrelated topic, you tried to make a joke regarding its lack of importance to what you were learning, but he just didn’t hear you. You stayed silent the rest of class. Instructed to share summaries on last night’s reading, he turned to look at the girl to his right instead of back at you. You almost audibly sighed. And once the clock reached its anticipated time, you stood up in another day’s defeat, spilling out the open contents of your pencil case sitting on your lap and not the desk.

The noise was loud, plastic and wood clattering against the shiny flooring as items rolled underneath the many rows of black chairs. You felt embarrassed, but for once Armin seemed to not want to rush out of class. As you knelt to start collecting your belongings, you watched as he leveled with you on the ground to start doing the same. His hands gently passed you your Sanrio pens, and it was him who decided to speak first.

“Your pens are cute…is Cinnamoroll your favorite? I’ve got a pin of him on my bag.”

You smiled, noticing how he suddenly seemed a bit timid.

“Actually, Mocha is my favorite, but merchandise for her is impossible to find. I noticed your pin a while back and actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you I like your keychains and such.”

You let it all out, ignoring how heavy any of your excitement might come across to be.

“I like your R2D2 notebook too…and I saw your Starship Enterprise charm on your bag-”

He brought his hand up to his face, pushing his thick black glasses further up the bridge of his nose as he cut you off. There was a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks, and you saw his shyness slowly melt away at the introduction of topics he was familiar with.

“So…you’ve seen the original Star Trek too?”

#aot x reader #armin arlert #aot #armin arlert x reader #arminweek2024 #armin week 2024 #snk armin #armin aot

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howtofightwrite · 1 year ago

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So happy you're back after all this time! I have a question, do you happen to know how people fought in ancient rome? Particularly gladiators and soldiers? Sorry if this isn't the blog for this question tho!

I think we've covered both of these questions independently over the years.

Gladiators were a performance sport. It was more about glorifying the Roman Empire and its victories, than a conventional fight. As a result, most Gladiators were armed with specific variant, “loadouts,” designed to cosplay as various enemies that The Empire had conquered, and they only fought against specific countering variants. Specifically, the variants would be matched in such a way that it would be difficult for either combatant to have a decisive advantage over the other, with an eye towards creating situations that would result in a lot of visible injuries, without serious harm to either participant.

In case it needs to be said, gladiators were a significant financial investment, and they weren't casually killed in the arena. The point was for visible injuries, and a bloody spectacle, not a slaughter. Sometimes someone would die, but having them die on the field wasn't the intention, and they generated a lot of money, and on the rare cases when they were killed, it was meant to be a climactic moment, not someone taking a blade to the gut and collapsing mid-fight.

Obviously, I'm barely scratching the surface here, because it gets a lot deeper, but the simple answer is that in the vast majority of cases, gladiators were armed with weapons that were designed to make seriously harming their foe difficult to impossible. Also, the gladiators were something that evolved and became more complicated over time. When they first started in the Republic, it was a much more stripped down structure with prisoners of war being given a sword and shield and forced to face off against one another.

As for the Roman Legions. I'm not sure I've ever seen a comprehensive description of their training techniques. The Testudo, (or Tortoise) is one of the more famous examples of their specific combat style. Legionaries would create a shield wall, and the soldiers behind the front line would raise their shields to cover the formation against attacks from above (usually arrow fire, or thrown spears.) While being able to strike with javelins. In practice, the formation had issues, including being vulnerable to siege fire, and mounted archers were able to easily flank the formation. It's a neat story, but the formation had serious limitations.

One thing we haven't talked about before (I think) was the Roman's use of biological warfare. During sieges, they would load (locally sourced, I assume) corpses onto catapults, and then launch them into the besieged city.

Beyond, the major thing about the Legions was the extremely disciplined and orderly combat formations, with a lot of attention paid to managing battlefield movement. It wasn't so much about exceptional individual performance, so much as their ability to operate as a unit. This isn't a particularly mind blowing concept today, but in an era when professional soldiers were the exception, or limited to the elite forces, it had slightly more impact.

Regarding the details of their training, I've never seen any of that come up. Now, granted, I've really tried to research that degree of Roman history. So, if you're asking, “how, exactly, did they swing the gladius?” I don't know, and I don't remember ever seeing anyone credibly claim they had that insight. As far as I know, the only surviving Roman training manual was De Re Militari, (there's around 200 surviving Latin copies) which is far more concerned with overall strategic planning and command. If you're trying to write Roman era military fiction, it's probably worth reading. So, I'm not sure this is exactly what you were looking for, but I do hope it helps.

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. Patrons get access to new posts three days early, and direct access to us through Discord. If you’re already a Patron, thank you. If you’d like to support us, please consider becoming a Patron.

#writing reference #writing advice #writing tips #how to fight write #starke answers #roman empire #history

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idonttakethislightly · 2 months ago

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A Light Take on Understanding Comics, Part 1

All right, I'm going to do something dangerous and write one post that promises eight more to come. It's been a while since I reread Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics, a groundbreaking nonfiction comic on the techniques, theory, and potential of comics as a medium. It was first published in 1993, and it's aged... interestingly, but going back through it is giving me a lot of thoughts. Specifically, thoughts about The Power Fantasy, the comic that's been occupying 99% of my brain for four months now. So I'm going to (try and) do a post for each chapter of UC, write about what I think McCloud got right and wrong, and apply that to TPF.

Chapter One is about "What is the definition of comics?" but more specifically, it's McCloud being very clear that comics can be so much more than just the (direct quote) "crude, poorly-drawn, semiliterate, cheap, disposable kiddie fare" that they usually were. Comics can be manga, or comic strips, or graphic novels, or any number of other things, McCloud tells us! There's precedents for comics in Ancient Egyptian wall art, medieval stained glass, all kinds of things! Comics is a medium, not a single genre! It's not just all superheroes!

...and look, this is what I mean by UC having aged interestingly. I want to remind everyone this book was published in 1993, and also point out that Watchmen launched in 1986. UC was groundbreaking in 1993, because lots of people had never seen someone write and draw seriously about comics as a medium. If we take comics seriously today, and we don't feel overly defensive about it, we probably owe some of that credibility to McCloud's defensiveness once upon a time. And he's right that "comics" is best defined as "sequential art", rather than "magazines about superheroes". You can tell all kinds of stories in comic form.

But that defensiveness about "comics can be more than just that superhero junk" is kind of funhouse-mirrored in The Power Fantasy and in its predecessor, Watchmen. I'm admittedly only on the fringes of conversations about superhero comics and their evolution over time... but I know Watchmen was also a groundbreaking comic that shaped comics culture forever. It's a deconstruction of the lighthearted heroic fantasies that came before it, and it inspired a lot of grimdark comics that matched its bleak tone but not its depth and insight.

...or so I'm told. I only read Watchmen once, years ago. I tried rereading it earlier this year, but I couldn't get into it. I just still know all this stuff because that's the level of cultural impact it's had. Also, because so many TPF reviews and blurbs say stuff like, "It's the next Watchmen! It's superhero comics finally moving out of Watchmen's shadow and onto the next thing! It's capturing the true spirit of Watchmen's deconstructionism, not just the surface tone!"

Understanding Comics is one of the best-regarded nonfiction comics of all time. Watchmen is one of the best-regarded comic books of all times. The Power Fantasy is one of the buzziest indie comic books being published right now. All of them roast classic superhero comics pretty hard, and maybe you could read it as an affectionate roast, but I don't know.

Superhero comic books are still usually the face of comics to people who don't read them. Probably not so much as in 1993, but still. How many more comics classics are going to get ahead by throwing them under the bus?

[EDIT: I later took back a lot of this in a follow-up post that you can read here. Writing late at night and not revising your posts has mixed results!]

#understanding comics #the power fantasy #visual thoughts

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feartoxinjelloshot · 2 months ago

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Hi! I have a few questions :

1. Is the fic you’re writing a sequel of sorts to the last one you posted ? I’ll definitely love it either way, but the last one made me go insane and literally gave me the strength to get out of bed today and ace my exams despite a severe lack of sleep, so I’d love to see more set in this particular series

2. In your last fics, Ed was more aware of his feelings for Jon (and of Jon’s feelings for him) while Jonathan was usually pretty oblivious (or in denial lol). Would you ever consider writing something where their roles would be somewhat reversed, with Jonathan using his ability to read people (especially Edward) to figure out Ed’s attraction and feelings for him before Edward himself realized their full extent ? I love how you’ve been writing their dynamic with Ed realizing and fearing what’s going on between them way earlier than Jon who’s still only realizing he might not be straight, but the opposite situation where Jon would figure his shit out on his own first, and then surprise Edward and sort of lord it over him like Ed had kinda done to him in the other fics has been haunting me in the past few days, and while I’ll definitely be thinking more about it anyways, you have a talent for making everything exponentially more amazing, so even a few hundred words of this concept written by you would probably live rent free in my brain for years to come if you were ever inspired to explore it.

1. YES! it is a sequel/continuation to acceleration! i famously said "how do i keep this under 5k" it's currently topping out at like..... um....... 30-35k. depending on where the last two chapters go. sigh

2. THIS IS AN INTERESTING QUESTION..... i am very married to my interpretations of how their brains work with regards to figuring out attraction. i don't think jon would necessarily ever be capable of just independently figuring his shit out without outside influence. but the key word here is "without outside influence" because if some kind of exterior force made him Realize (or otherwise confront the Possibility) that he was in love with ed he would like. have a breakdown. the self hatred going on in there is insane. ed is at least capable of objectively acknowledging the truth but jon has the most insane internalized homophobia going on i think the idea of being in unrequited love with edward would actually kill him. and then imo ed is so internally analytical that him being attracted to jon without realizing is more than im willing to accept but he is definitely capable of Hiding It and Choosing To Not Think About It and him finding out that jon KNOWS... without knowing if jon returns his feelings at all or is just mocking him............... good lord..... the mental devastation of this situation is immeasurable. I think "lording it over him" would necessarily involve jon acting like he doesnt like edward at all and edward's attraction is something to make fun of him for because that's the ONLY way he's coping with anything going on. but i cannot express the havoc this would wreak on ed's control complex. like this is his 9/11 its straight up over for him on all counts he's done

#ask #anonymous #scriddler #thank you for this ask it gave me something to chew on this beautiful morning

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wisdomseulogy · 11 days ago

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On Capitalism and the Formation of Self Identity in the United States

Authors note:

First and foremost, this is an opinion piece. I do quote a lot of things to show a lot of research but it is still an opinion piece. I don’t want people reading this and taking everything I say as fact, but rather I would prefer if people used this to help foster a larger conversation.

Next I will be writing part. 3 in my series on fanfiction and fandom culture and it will be about capitalism. I realized I was going to need to explain how deeply capitalism affects our lives first before going into how it relates to fanfiction or fandom culture.

After part 3, I am also working on essays on Christian nationalism and the male loneliness epidemic, but if yall have any suggestions of things you'd like me to write please let me know! My goal is to take these difficult to understand topics and translate them into something more readable and approachable.

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TW: Religion (Christianity), mentions of mental health issues, addiction, gambling, sex written about in an academic way, exploitation, slavery, racism, sexism, homophobia

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Introduction:

A specter, a ghost, of a revolution has wafted through the streets many many times in American history. But every revolution is inevitably hindered by the systematic issues associated with capitalism. Within the framework of capitalism, as we know it today, we will never be able to have a true revolution.

To paraphrase The Communist Manifesto: The history of society, from ancient times till now, is the history of class struggle. The history of the worker fighting against those that exploit them. But it is not only the worker that is exploited but the environment and world at large. Capitalism and the environment are diametrically opposed. But the capitalist will do everything in its power to divest blame onto the consumer or the system that they exist within.

In this opinion piece, I will be delving into the nature of capitalism and especially how it relates to the formation of self identity. I will first be pointing out some of the history of capitalism within the United States and how it relates to colonialism, slavery and religion. I will then move towards talking about how capitalism negatively affects the lives of everyone that lives in a capitalist society (with an emphasis on sex, social media, education, family, mental health, morality, A.I., doom mentality, inaction/apathy, exhaustion, addiction, debt/control, etc.). Finally, I will talk about things that can be done to help those suffering in these systems (return to community, social services, protesting, hopeless optimism in the face of adversity). Each section will be labeled, but I do suggest reading it straight through first since each section builds upon the ones before it.

Key terms:

Capitalist: A rich person who uses capital usually in relation to business and industry.

Capital: Anything that could be used to produce more wealth (money, buildings, machines, people, etc.)

Exploitation: Using someone or something for personal advantage (i.e. money, etc.)

Inequality: Unequal treatment of individuals (i.e. income inequality where some people make more than others even though they work the same job or how much money rich people are hoarding vs how little money everyone else has)

Individualism: An idea that the desires, needs, and beliefs of the individual are more relevant or important than those of others or the community at large.

Possessive Individualism: two possible meanings: 1. individuals as possessable beings, 2. selfish individualism where someone wants good things for themselves and no one else

Moral Individualism: The idea that people are good or bad without regard to any contextual reasons like the environment, community, history, ethnicity, age, gender, illnesses, disabilities, family, religion etc.

Colonialism: One country (or people) having control over another country or people. This also includes one country (or people) enforcing their culture and ideas on another country (or people) stripping them of their previous culture, history, belief, or ideas.

Social hierarchy: Where the poorest and more disenfranchised people are at the bottom of the social pyramid while the richest and most well off are at the top of the pyramid. The top of the pyramid cannot exist without the bottom that is their foundation.

Enlightenment: A philosophical movement of the 17th and 18th century which turned away from traditional understandings and focused more on rationalism and the individual.

Free Market: A supply and demand based economy that is unpredictable but can create lots of profit.

Chattel Slavery: The enslavement and owning of people as property. Making the slave a physical piece of property and asset to the slave owner. This is the type of slavery that was used in the US.

Numbers inside ( ) indicate that I am directly referencing something in the bibliography at the end of the essay.

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“It is easier to imagine the end of the world than the end of capitalism” (Capitalist Realism - Is there no alternative? by Mark Fisher)

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A very brief history: (I might get some of this wrong, so please let me know if I did. I am not a historian)

The history of the United States is the history of colonialism. The British Empire colonized North America, pushing out the indigenous Native Americans. As any American would know from being taught in school, this eventually would lead to more colonies and eventually those colonies gaining independence from Britain and forming their own country. But the shadow of colonialism never left after the end of the revolutionary war, it continued very vibrantly in many different ways: slavery, the subjugation of Native Americans, and also the very economic framework that the US holds so dear: Capitalism.

(These are not the only ways that the US continued to colonize)

One of the founding fathers of capitalism, Adam Smith, believed the most basic form of human nature was one's pursuit of their own self-interests. This concept came at the same time as the Enlightenment which stripped away traditional and often religious understandings to thinking about someone as an individual and thinking about the world in a ‘rational’ way (which meant without religion or traditional beliefs).

Through the Enlightenment, the individual, as we know it today, was created. And through the creation of what it meant to be an individual, comes the heightened understanding of individual desires and pleasures. Now, it was morally just to pursue one's own self interests even if it went against the community (18). Through the constant pursuit of self-interest, the idea for capitalism was born. A way for people to constantly pursue happiness and pleasure in a way that would both be economically profitable and also help the viability of the government.

But this system of constantly pursuing self-interests without any recourse, leads to mass exploitation. In the pursuit of more wealth or an easier life, Americans would buy slaves to do whatever they did not want to do themselves and slaves were also the cheapest form of labor. Contrary to popular belief about how the Civil War was started on a pure moral fight against slavery, it was a fight born out of money and unification since the south was making too much money and the southern economy was sustained on slavery. (Eventually it did become a moral fight against slavery as an unjust institution, but that came later.)

The 13th amendment abolished slavery unless to be used as a punishment for a crime. Because of that, slavery as an institution never left America, it was just changed in order to fit the current moral standings of its citizens, but America would never get rid of the cheapest form of labor. In this way, slavery was rebranded and hidden from the general public.

As it stands, the economy of the current age is still upheld through slavery. There are many prisoners today who are slaves, working for little to no pay at all. The foundation of modern capitalism is still slavery as any institution that profits greatly off of massive inequality would never give up the cheapest form of labor.

In an article by the Associated Press (12), they investigate the proclivity for prison slaves as well as the products those slaves make and found that not only are some slaves working on the same plantations that were used during the time of chattel slavery in the south but they also found that “The goods these prisoners produce wind up in the supply chains of a dizzying array of products found in most American kitchens, from Frosted Flakes cereal and Ball Park hot dogs to Gold Medal flour, Coca-Cola and Riceland rice. They are on the shelves of virtually every supermarket in the country, including Kroger, Target, Aldi and Whole Foods. And some goods are exported, including to countries that have had products blocked from entering the U.S. for using forced or prison labor.” (12)

It should not be surprising that one of the ways mega corporations make excessive profit is through modern slavery. The constant pursuit of self-interest is the foundation that capitalism stands on and anything that can further the self-interest of wealth accumulation will never be contested except by the ones being exploited.

Prison laborers and undocumented workers are some of the most vulnerable workers (since they have little to no rights, they work in unsafe conditions, they may not be properly trained for dangerous jobs, they are hated/invisible to the public, they cannot speak up for themselves, etc.) as well as being some of the most essential for capitalism to run properly. More so than the documented and non-incarcerated workers, these workers are treated as possessable property and assets.

The idea of being able to possess others or even oneself is a byproduct of slavery and colonialism (20). It is so prevalent in everyday life that the average person probably doesn’t realize that the way they think about themselves and others is, in a way, dehumanizing. Removing the human and leaving only their worth as a piece of the capitalist machine.

Though slavery and colonialism has been rebranded or taken away from the public eye, it is a very important facet of capitalism. Capitalism is praised for many things including “its capacity to promote economic growth and personal independence” but at the same exact time “capitalism perpetuates a contemporary form of exploitation akin to slavery by taking advantage of its labor force in the present era” (19) But this is nothing new, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels already knew this when they wrote the Communist Manifesto:

“the modern working class developed - a class of labourers, who live only so long as they find work, and who find work only so long as their labour increases capital. These labourers, who must sell themselves piecemeal, are a commodity, like every other article of commerce, and are consequently exposed to all the vicissitudes of competition, to all the fluctuations of the market [...] Not only are they slaves to the [capitalist] class, and the [capitalist] state; they are daily and hourly enslaved by the machine, by the overlooker, and, above all, by the individual [capitalist] manufacturer himself” (1) (I changed the word bourgeoisie to capitalist since that is what it means in our context)

In capitalism, the worker must sell themselves as an asset to their employers and are then treated as disposable pieces of company property that can be thrown away at any moment. Within this system, there are two forms of slaves, people who are not paid for their work or are forced to work, and people who must sell themselves to be exploited by the system. And the way the worker sells themselves is by proving how much of an asset they can be to the capitalist and how much money they can generate for their employer. Money that the worker will only see miniscule amounts of.

This form of exploitation is what keeps capitalism running and is why we are seeing so many social issues today. The less the employer has to spend on their workers, the more money the employer makes. This leads to unsafe working conditions, zero benefits (as in like paid time off, health insurance, 401k, etc.), no job security, and no upward mobility (being able to be promoted and thus make more money).

A free market, which is the hallmark of capitalism, means constant change and no consistency. People can lose their jobs, houses, lives, etc. for no fault of their own but purely because the market was doing poorly. And this leads to constant uncertainty and a lack of any control in the average worker's life. Which, of course, leads to many mental health issues.

Capitalism infects everything that it touches, especially the individual and all aspects of their life. The biggest propaganda win that the US government has is convincing people that capitalism is the only option. Even economists and scholars can agree that capitalism is not the ‘best’, but they have no concept of anything else.

This is because of many reasons, but one of them is the way in which capitalism weaponizes memory. In the book Capitalism Realism by Mark Fisher, he writes that “capitalism subsumes and consumes all of previous history” (2). We cannot imagine a world outside of capitalism, because capitalism has taken root in the way that we view history and the way that we remember things. The best possible option for the capitalist is if the worker only believes what they can see (2) and thus nothing else is real to them. And then, the capitalist can pick and choose what it wants the worker/citizen to see so that the worker will never know or even comprehend a life outside of the throws of capitalism.

If all the worker knows and sees is a life of exploitation that will inevitably lead to a possibly even preventable death due to the constant pursuit of wealth over humanity, then they will not know any other way of living. And thus, any other way of living will be impossible to understand or comprehend or even feel like oppression.

Memory is just one of the ways that capitalism exerts control over its people, another is religious belief. The Enlightenment sought to understand the world and the individual outside of religious belief and dogma, and though capitalism came about through that, the capitalism that we see in the US today loves and uses religious belief as a way to mobilize and control people. The concept that the average voter/citizen is more likely to listen to their religious leaders than a government official.

One of the reasons that the Christian church in the US is so different from elsewhere around the world is because unlike other countries, there is no unified state sponsored church. Which means that the church must get all of its funding from its parishioners and if the parishioners (people who attend church) stop giving the church their money, the church will go out of business.

In order to make sure that their parishioners keep giving them money, the church will focus on only talking about things that their patrons want to hear, which inevitably will lead to different understandings of biblical texts and narratives. In the US, if you don’t like what one church says, you can easily just find one that will say exactly what you believe and want to hear.

(This of course leads to large disparities between church sects and is a huge contributor to Christian nationalism that is becoming more popular today. I will be writing a separate essay specifically about that.)

In the early age of America, “the notions of Christianity and liberty [were so intimately tied] in their minds that it is impossible to make them conceive one without the other” (10 / 7). The idea of being liberated from oppressors like the British Empire and the foundation of democracy was so intrinsically tied to being a Christian.

This was seen explicitly during the rise of communism where American religious leaders touted that communism was the work of the devil or inherently godless. Famous (or infamous depending of who you ask) American evangelist Billy Graham is quoted of saying “Communism is not only an economic interpretation of life-Communism is a religion that is inspired, directed, and motivated by the Devil himself who has declared war against Almighty God”

But it comes to no surprise that a business that just so happens to also be a religion would be opposed to anything that could change the way the business is run. Though it is interesting how the business of Christianity in the US is very anti social services and it is very common for people in the US who depend on social services like food stamps, social security, medicaid/medicare to vote for conservative representatives that wish to take those same services away (7).

And it also comes to no surprise that the pastors at especially mega-churches would be against things like taxing the rich in order to have more social services because those pastors usually make a lot of money and their income is subject to income tax.

Capitalism has seeped into everything, and it affects both the world around us and our own perception of ourselves.

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Capitalism and the formation of the self

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Bodies, sex, sexuality, and the economy:

The first step to understanding how capitalism affects the formation of self identity, is by understanding how it impacts the concepts of the human body and sex. One of the things that comes out of slavery and colonialism is the idea that humans are possessable objects. A person's worth is then tied to their ability to be useful for whoever is above them in the social hierarchy.

The human has thus been reduced to a sexually stimulating inanimate asset to the economic system. The more productive the human is, the better off the economic system is. And the more bodies there are, the more work can be done, the more taxes can be paid and the more new workers can be born.

A person's worth is connected to their ability to perform the act of sex and their ability to gain from that act the creation of another human who will eventually enter the workforce and be another asset to the capitalist machine. Men are taught (usually by other men) that their worth is defined by their ability to uphold their duty and human nature as a sexual being to have as much sex as they can. At the same time, women are taught that their self-worth is tied to their ability to raise a family or be desired by the most amount of men as possible.

With capitalism (and also colonialism since colonizers often took away LGBTQ+ narratives from indigenous cultures to further their heteronormative agenda) comes the need for the most amount of people to be heterosexual as possible. The more heterosexual people there are in a capitalist country, the more potential there is for those people to make babies. Capitalism needs a steady workforce (that can be exploited for financial gain) in order to keep going.

The reason a lot of capitalist countries are worried about declining birthrates is because it means a decline in the workforce and a decline in the amount of money the rich/capitalist/government can have. In this way, every fetus is a commodity to the government as it could possibly pay taxes, work, or end up in prison/jail where it can also be forced to work. No matter the outcome for the fetus, the government and the rich capitalists will make money as long as more exist. (Even if the fetus dies, the capitalist will make money through medical fees/debt)

The woman's body, in this way, has become a machine and what she produces is more government/capitalist assets. But people are not as easy to control as machines. The government can spend a lot of time and money on propaganda to make people desire to have more children, but no amount of government propaganda will change the economic and social situations of people that can give birth. So, instead of trying to give the average worker more benefits if they have children (like paid maternity leave, financial subsidies, free items such as cribs, clothes, food, etc., free child care, help with housing, etc.) the government is focusing on forcing anyone who may have gotten pregnant to keep their child even if keeping the child would kill them. Because an unborn fetus is more important to the government as a potential asset than the mother herself.

Women as possessable objects has existed since antiquity, but women as possessable assets for the government/economic system is a newer invention. This coupled by the capitalist concept that a person's worth is completely defined by their ability to work or be productive leads into very misogynistic and heteronormative discourse. (This way of thinking is also very ableist since capitalists only see people as humans if they are working or able to work. Thus, people who are unable to work become less than human. Capitalists are usually also very against government services, subsidies, or assistance to people that they don’t deem to be valuable to the workforce.)

With the rise of individualism and the constant pursuit of self-interest and pleasure (in a male dominated world), comes with it the idea that men are more productive and more active members of society if they have lots of sex. This, of course, has the big downside that it then teaches men that they have no worth in the world or society if they are not having the correct amount of sex or having the right amount of partners.

“Those invested in the capitalist system work to convince us that these things are necessary parts of life and that participation in them makes us mature adults and “productive” members of society. As Freeman writes, “In the eyes of the state, this sequence of socioeconomically ‘productive’ moments is what it means to have a life at all.” Therefore, cisheterosexual sex itself becomes a means of productivity because it is understood to ultimately lead to marriage, procreation, and nuclear families, all of which are integral to patriarchal and white supremacist capitalist systems” (6 - Refusing Compulsory Sexuality - A Black Asesual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown quoting Time Binds: Queer Temporalities, Queer Histories by Elizabeth Freeman)

The body is a means of production, an asset to an economy that depends on massive inequality and actively works against people in the lower level of social hierarchy to make sure they never climb. Through gender and race wage gaps, the capitalist can ensure that only people they deem to be deserving are able to climb the ladder of the social hierarchy while also telling everyone in the system that their worth is directly tied to their ability to uphold the system itself. A system that is inherently anti-LGBTQIA+ and upholds the ideals and desires of colonizers (racism, slavery, misogyny, homophobia, etc.)

“We become only bodies for the nation-state’s use” (6) and our self identity is tied up in these capitalist desires. Anyone “who deprioritize or divest from sex-and often marriage and reproduction along with it-regardless of the reasons why, become a threat to the established systems that rely and thrive on the exploitation of and extraction of labor from our bodies, including sexual and reproductive labor.” (6)

All of these influences affect our sense of selfhood and how we conceptualize ourselves within the capitalist world around us. A good first step to removing ones sense of self from the capitalist ideals is to realize the ideals that are promoting these perceptions of reality. It is possible to have worth and meaning without a job or without a highly profitable job or without having a partner or without getting married or without having kids. Though wanting any one of these things is not bad, it is important to understand why they are so important to the capitalist system.

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Mental Illness, addiction, and gambling:

As we grow, our brains form. The environment and the world around us is what shapes our brains as we age. So, it should not come at any surprise that a chaotic economic and social system would negatively affect people's brains.

(Caveat: In here I will be talking about my personal opinion about how two very basic human desires are the need to feel special and the need for control. How someone goes about these two things is what defines their personality. But this is my personal opinion and that is also why I put a lot of emphasis that this is an opinion piece and not to be taken immediately as fact or truth but rather be a start of a greater conversation.)

The free market system is inherently stressful and chaotic. One moment someone can have a well paying job, a house, and a nuclear family. The next moment all of that can be stripped away from them for no other reason than the stock market being low. There is no real security (i.e. job security, home security, etc.) in a free market system. But security is what helps us to regulate our bodies and feel, at least in some part, in control of our situation.

But the discourse about mental health issues is made and curated by people who uphold capitalist ideals and who instead of trying to understand underlying environmental or societal reasons to someone's issues would rather just medicate them and send them on their way back into the workforce.

“One of the key detrimental influences of capitalism on mental health is the production of inequality. For example, in the 30 years following 1977, 60% of the increase in US national income went to just the top 1% of earners; this is projected to become even more extreme without tax adjustment (Piketty, 2015). Piketty argues that inequality is not an accident but an intrinsic feature of capitalism (Piketty, 2013), while free-market economists argue that substantial inequality is good for the economy (Hasanov and Izraeli, 2011) and advocates of capitalism promote inequality as a great good (Tamny, 2016). Thus, the prevailing view is that capitalist policy-making creates inequality. The link between inequality and mental health is well-documented” (15)

A system that requires and benefits from the lack of security and rampant inequality would inevitably cause distress and mental health issues for the people that have to deal with the dark side of the capitalist system. However, there are studies showing that people in the middle part of the social hierarchy are more likely to have mental health issues than the people above and below them. I believe this has to do with the fact that the people in the middle of the social and economic hierarchy have to both exploit the people below them (or be exploited by the people below them) while also be exploited by the people above them.

Even though the link to mental health and socioeconomic status is not necessarily linear, it is still important to understand how our socioeconomic status affects our brains and our development. There is evidence to suggest that “socioeconomic deprivation in childhood is associated with impaired function (e.g., executive function deficits in childhood), but also structural brain changes” (15) which will follow a person as they grow and become an adult. But socioeconomic status doesn’t just affect the brain structure “ but also brain functional connectivity (FC) appears affected by economic disadvantage, the evidence mostly concerning young people from [free market] societies.” (15)(I changed the word neoliberal to free market because it means the same thing but I feel like people on here have too many different connotations as to what it means to be a [neo]liberal society.)

The connection between mental health and our capitalist society is often removed from the narrative entirely when trying to treat and help people with these issues. Instead of trying to go after the cause of the illness, capitalist society promotes medicalizing suffering while also promoting individualism as a way of stigmatizing anyone with mental health issues.

In a hyper individualistic world, anyone's mental health issues are their own fault or their own defect and is not related to the environment or socioeconomic status of the person suffering. Depression, anxiety, etc. then become a blemish on the machines (humans) ability to work and uphold the very society that helped to shape their brains making them the way they are. The capitalists answer is medication, stigmatizing, shame and guilt.

(I am in no way against getting medication for ones own mental health issues. I was on antidepressants and other medication for years. I am just pointing out that the system would rather medicate than understand since understanding would show the inherent flaws of the system itself.)

In American individualism, the person is to feel shame for anything that doesn’t uphold the capitalistic system. Anything that could impede their ability to work while also furthering mental health issues by telling the individual that they are alone and that their issues are their own bodies fault. But we are not alone. We are a part of a system that is actively trying to hurt us and keep us as complicit machines for their bidding.

Certain mental illnesses like schizophrenia manifests differently depending on the environment that the person is in. Countries that have an emphasis on community and family rarely experience any negative impact on their daily life, while every person in America that was a part of the study had negative impacts in their life. (21)

Though people may be predisposed to mental illnesses due to genetics, the way those illnesses manifest and present is affected by the person's environment.

But the system wants us to think that everything we experience is natural and that the fact that so many young people are having mental illnesses is just par for the course of society. If the price to keep capitalism is the mental health and anguish of its people, and the reward is that the rich get to have a lot of money and power, then what is the point of trying to uphold capitalism?

With the advent of social media, one of the last frontiers for capitalism was breached: feelings and emotions. Though capitalism has always weaponized feelings and emotions, it has become more apparent and obvious. Young people are constantly bombarded with stimulus and the lack of any sort of stimulus is not boredom (like it may have been in the past) but depression. But an important part of growth is understanding and learning how to exist through boredom and modernity.

Depression can both be an inability to feel pleasure or the inability to do anything except constantly pursue pleasure. (2) In order to cope with the world around us, our traumas, etc. we turn to the constant pursuit of something, anything. In this way, capitalist societies, especially today, are inherently addiction centric societies. We have become addicted to constantly feeling something that, for some people, the need to feel more intense sensations will lead them down more destructive paths.

At the micro-level, addiction is reinforced and encouraged by the capitalists. They want you to want nothing more than for you to binge watch, binge eat, binge read, binge play. And they reinforce this by weaponizing the desire to be special or somehow chosen, which is in part the essence of gambling.

Gambling begins with micro transitions on gacha games, blind boxes, arcade games based on luck and not skill. And then the person gets addicted to that feeling of somehow being lucky or chosen or special. Maybe they got the figure they wanted on the first try and now they need another box to try and chase that mercurial high.

Or it might manifest as a sort of luck based skill like sports betting or gambling. Or it might manifest in substance use and abuse. Each of these addictions that I mention will inevitably support and uphold the capitalist system and the system encourages it until the person can no longer work or function to the system's standards in which that person is then shamed and ostracized.

Though it could be argued that any sort of chaotic system would promote addiction. Receiving dopamine from random and uncontrollable events while also tying your sense of self to the outcomes of those uncontrollable events is the beginning of addiction. And if you tie a person's worth to their monetary or working value, then people will inevitably desire to raise their own value and worth even if doing so could potentially cause them harm. The system promotes going after ones desires without thinking about any consequences. The constant pursuit of self-interest even if it means suffering and inequality for others or even the self.

Only the people that can no longer work or be a part of society are stigmatized within the realm of mental health, addiction, gambling, etc. Because the capitalist only cares about a person's ability to work and not their ability to live full and fulfilling and healthy lives. Especially since the latter costs more money. And an addicted and depressed machine that still runs is still an asset and for a capitalist will only try to fix (tho they don’t fix machines at all, they throw them away and replace them) a machine if it no longer works.

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Individualism, morality, social media:

“Morality has been replaced by feeling” (2, Capitalist Realism - Is there no other alternative? by Mark Fisher)

There are multiple different types of individualism, including but not limited to: hyper-individualism, moral individualism and possessive individualism. (These also all intersect with one another in certain areas. But one of the things that I want to talk about that I have seen a lot on social media, is moral individualism.

As I’ve explained previously, individualism is the belief that someone exists outside of the context of the world around them. This leads to the pursuit of self-interests over the interests of the common good and also leads to massive isolation as people are taught that they are alone in this world and that they have no community or common ground with anyone.

Moral individualism is the idea that people are inherently good or bad outside of whatever context or environment that they live in that is contributing to that person's actions, beliefs, and understanding of the world. It turns everyone into storybook caricatures. Someone is either good or bad and there is no in between. They are the villain who does evil for the sole purpose of doing evil and the good person is just inherently good with zero flaws or blemishes. But this is not how the world works.

We create barriers between ourselves and others based solely on our own individual perception of the world or a moment in time without looking at any sort of bigger context or possible other answers. And these barriers, inevitably, fuel either our self-hatred or our fear and hatred for the world around us. For instance, if you hear that a car was swerving on the road, you may make assumptions about the driver being reckless, intoxicated, etc. and this is the basis of social media. Quick assumptions made from limited data. But context comes in when you step back and look at what might, if anything, be causing the driver to swerve. And there, you would see the giant potholes that the driver is avoiding. If you never stepped back and tried to understand why someone may be doing something instead of making quick assumptions, then you would have never seen the potholes. You possibly would have vilified someone who was making the best decision given their present situation.

But stepping back is difficult because it does not immediately give in to pleasure or hatred. It requires you to deny yourself those feelings for a moment and the outcome may not be pleasurable but rather neutral. The lack and denial of context in modern day society, especially in America, correlates with the rise of constant stimulation and constant pleasure. The person now must make the most difficult decision that goes against everything that capitalism stands for, to deny oneself a momentary pleasure in lieu of a better understanding.

A lot of people like to put the blame on teachers for not teaching context well enough or on the students for not being receptive enough, but the fact of the matter is that American society is inherently anti-context. American society praises quick action and quick pleasure over thought and contextualizing. Since if people follow the context pipeline far enough, they will realize that people are mere products of their environment and whether a person is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is directly dependent on their environment, upbringing, community, etc. But thinking this way is not fun. It is fun to blame the driver for being intoxicated and hating them for it instead of realizing they were never drunk to begin with and they were doing what anyone would have done in that situation.

But capitalism needs us to not see each other as equal. It requires us to enforce a subconscious hierarchy wherein some people are inherently bad and their actions can be blamed on their pure badness and that some people are inherently good and their goodness can be explained by their nature rather than the community that nurtured each of those individuals to that point. But this moral individualism is also a crux for many people who then see themselves as lacking goodness and falling into pits of despair.

It makes me worried to see so many young people who are not necessarily worried about doing the right thing but instead about being perceived that they are doing the right thing. And when we deny others context, we also deny ourselves that same grace. People are not stagnant. We move and change drastically over time, what you did when you were a child does not define who you are as an adult because people are capable of changing.

But social media doesn’t want change or context, it wants the world to be stagnant (and I believe this ties back to a desire for control in an uncontrollable world). It wants people to never be able to change or grow, but change is an impossible thing to stop. People's opinions and viewpoints will inevitably change due to their environment.

I’m not saying this to be anti-cancel culture. I think calling people out on terrible things that they have done and said can be good because it shows people that these viewpoints, opinions, etc. are not universal and need to be changed. And people should take accountability for their actions.

But one with social media algorithms where you will only ever see things you already want to see, it can become hard to imagine a world outside of yours. And when you cannot imagine a world that is not directly your own, you are quicker to dehumanize others and turn people from humans into caricatures, in an odd way exploiting them for your own emotional gain. Hate is very closely tied with pleasure and I would argue that it feels pleasurable to be hateful. To have something or someone to hate.

And these hateful ideas are then monetized. You will see more and more hate, or videos that tell you how to feel instead of how to think, because that is what generates money. It ties back to the concept that in the modern day all we can do is constantly pursue feelings and that is all we amount to. Feelings, like hate and pleasure, are addictive. But if the person who is telling you to hate something is making money off of your hate, you should at least question why hate is so important in an already hate filled world.

Humanity is not a dichotomy, we are shaped and influenced so much by things that are out of our control that reality is closer to a bunch of grey blobs arguing over who is greyer or bobiler. And understanding that there is more to a person than can be perceived and known on social media or in person is what context is.

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Family, home, and exhaustion:

Even Though the capitalist system upholds the nuclear hetero family system, capitalism is also what is destroying the family. Since both parents need to work now, there is little time for the parents to actually parent their children. And when you include the lack of stability and that over half of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, it comes to no surprise that the young people of today are suffering greatly from the capitalist system.

One of the ways that capitalism controls its workforce is by making them exhausted. If someone is exhausted then they are not fit to fight back or not able to think critically about their situation and the world around them that is perpetuating it. But when the parents are exhausted and can't parent their children, the teacher becomes the parent. But when the teacher is exhausted and cannot parent all of their children, social media and technology become the parent.

The child must look into their environment to be parented (and with the hyper-individualistic nature of American capitalism, there is often no community or family to help raise the children) and their environment consists of influencers, streamers, youtubers, and other social media personalities. Which leads to the children then having a parasocial relationship with their new parents. But these parents are also often in the pocket of big business. They will sell you anything they can and they will tell you only what you want to hear so that they can keep up engagement.

A parasocial relationship is a mirror that reflects back at you whatever you put in front of it. Everything that you don’t know about a person gets filled by your own assumptions, your own opinions, yourself.

Without the community to lead these kids towards non-self destructive paths, children can often fall down pipelines that they would have never encountered or even thought of joining before because there is no one in their immediate surroundings telling them not to. I see this clearly with the rise of red pill content, ED content, alt-right content (and sometimes far left content can be self-destructive as well), among other things. Since with the advent of algorithms, these children will only see things that support their already self-destructive thinking.

I can’t tell you how many times I have seen teens on TikTok talking about the new diet trend that they are following, which is just a rebranded eating disorder, and everyone in the comments congratulating them or saying they might try that new trend as well. Vaping, gambling, porn addiction are all things that young people are dealing with and social media is only showing them content that is supporting their already destructive lifestyle.

Some parents have skipped the part of being a parent all together and have turned themselves into their child's boss and exploiting their child or children for profit. Family vloggers are an example of this as they turn their children into brand identities, removing all of their agency as children and as humans, and then profit off of the surveillance and exploitation of their children. In most states, there are no protection for children of family vloggers like there are for child actors. The parents could be making millions of dollars off of their children and there is no guarantee that the child will see any of that money.

(There is also the aspect that some family vloggers make suggestive content of their children for profit.)

When you turn your own child into an employee that you exploit, you are removing them of their identity and their agency. You are their boss and not their parent. And when they need a parent, they will have no one to turn to. Though not all family vloggers have malicious intent, I am against the constant videotaping (surveillance) of children especially because it fosters an unhealthy environment and can lead to a lot of mental health issues.

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Education, debt/control, and A.I..:

One of the benefits of capitalism that is often touted is that because of capitalism people became more literate. However, the reason people became more literate wasn’t because capitalist systems encourage reading and writing, it is because they need the worker to be able to understand instructions. But with the rise of A.I., the worker no longer needs to be able to read and write, they just need to vote the way the capitalist wants.

“Capitalism is profoundly illiterate” (2), it only promotes literacy if doing so leads to monetary gains. There is a saying, which is most likely not true but does give a good insight into the justice system in America that says: Prisons use 3rd grade level reading scores to estimate how many beds they will need in the next 10 years.��

Though this is most likely not true, it is true that there is a direct correlation between education, literacy, and people who are in prison. It is estimated that 80% of prison inmates are functionally illiterate. And even though this hyper-individualistic world would like you to believe that literacy is a personal issue it is instead a systematic issue.

One of the reasons why I love fanfiction so much is because I was illiterate until 3rd grade and the only reason I learned how to read is because of fanfiction. I discovered fanfiction in possibly 6th or maybe early 7th grade and read my first book, cover to cover, in 7th grade. (I probably have really bad dyslexia and that is why it was so difficult for me to read at an early age). So I want to stress that illiteracy is a systemic issue. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to read, it was that I couldn’t.

So I really feel for young people, or people in general who struggle with reading and are told that they are lazy or that this is their personal defect that they can’t read properly. In a capitalist system, people are only praised for their ability to aid in the system, if you cannot read (and thus not work) then you are a threat to the system as a whole. Though people who end up in prison or jail can still be exploited by the system by being forced to work.

The current education system, at least the public school system, is a victim of cost-cutting capitalist ideals that prioritize making the most amount of money possible with the least amount of effort. But students are not workers. They are not assets. They are people that need to be taught properly and in a good environment in order to be able to learn and thrive. Test scores are treated like end products in a factory and the factories that are able to produce the best scores get the best resources (which furthers inequality and furthers the capitalist system since capitalism cannot exist without inequality). Which inevitably leaves lots of kids falling through the cracks of a system that treats them as dollar signs instead of as human beings.

At the end of the day, if the capitalist needs someone who is smart they can just pick and choose someone from a rich private school. The goal of the public school is to create as many menial laborers as possible. Or lead them into debt by feeding them a dream of riches and salvation if they just get a college degree. And that debt will ensure that the student must work for the rest of their life.

Student debt is a way of controlling the work force. The more debt a student has, the more they either have to constantly be in school to try and offset the accumulation of more debt and the more they have to be actively working.

“Control societies are based on debt rather than enclosure; but there is a way in which the current education system both indebts and encloses students. Pay for your own exploitation” (2)

Debt in general is a control tactic for capitalistic societies. This is aided by the ‘credit score’ which makes sure that people with a low score will have to be in more debt for the rest of their lives while people who are well off can have an easier and cheaper life. People with low credit scores are then stigmatized and shamed even if there could have been extenuating circumstances. (I say as someone with a low credit score lolll)

Right now, there are people in school for jobs that will eventually be completely taken over by A.I.. A.I. is the cheapest worker, possibly cheaper than the slave, needing only environmental resources and little to possibly no payment (when compared to people who could be working the same task.)

The rise of A.I. is no surprise in a capitalist system. It gives the person exactly what they want and immediately. It works on the instant gratification and pleasure principle. (The pleasure principle being that we are stuck to constantly seeking more and more, faster and faster, pleasure). Now, instead of having to do tasks like write an essay, draw a picture, type in code, the A.I. will do it for us. But this implies that the act of working in and of itself is not gratifying but just the outcome is. Which could be true in some cases. People may not enjoy writing an essay and would much rather read one written for them.

But it is important to remember that A.I. is a mirror. It will only show us what it thinks we want to see. (This is important to note with the rise of people having romantic relationships with A.I. and people who go through A.I. induced spiritual/religious psychosis) It turns the human into an inactive viewer. A vouyer who only sees what they want to see.

In the age and rise of A.I., writing and creating things organically is a noble plight. The act of writing may not be fun in and of itself, but your creation is inherently you. If your sole desire is the pursuit of pleasure and immediate gains, then A.I. is the answer. But what if you want to feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being, a sense of creation?

The only importance of art is not the viewer's satisfaction, but the artist's satisfaction as well. Art is difficult. It takes time and the process is often laborious with possibly little to no monetary gain, which is why art itself sits on the precipice of the shadow of capitalism and the light of humanity. To create something beautiful that you cannot profit from goes completely against everything that capitalism instils in us from birth. (Which is another reason why fanfiction is so important.)

People who defend A.I. often cite that now anyone can be a writer, artist, programer, entrepreneur, but the hallmark of work is effort. In the age of A.I., the human is no more a valuable part of the process than a pencil is to the modern author. It doesn’t matter which pencil you use, you will still get the same outcome on the page. In this way, people who use A.I. for art is diminishing themselves to nothing more than a passive observer, when the whole point of art is being an active participant in the creation of something new and so inherently you.

I would rather buy someone's messy pencil sketch than A.I. slop, because I at least know that it is a human creation and all human creation reflects reality in a way that A.I. can never mimic.

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Doom mentality, apathy, inaction:

Every single year, there is someone who is absolutely convinced that this is going to be the year that the world ends. People might pull on biblical or non-biblical prophecies showing that the end of the world is just around the corner and this will be the end of everything. But this doom mentality is what keeps capitalism going. We cannot imagine a world without capitalism, so we imagine that there must be no world at all.

Believing in a doom mentality leads to rampant inaction and the furthering of inequality. If you are going to die soon, then there is no reason to try and better your own situation. There is no reason to rise up and fight against the system that is oppressing you.

Religious doom mentality is also usually very selfish or self serving. People desiring to watch others die forever so that they themselves can be proven as correct and thus better than the so-called ‘non-believers’. But, as famed biblical scholar Dan McClellan states: “There are absolutely no date that support the notion there are any biblical end times on the way” and that:

“The more that people try to leverage the fear or hope or expectation of an imminent second coming or end times or apocalypse in order to try to structure power and values and boundaries in ways that serve their own interests the more we do harm to our ability to thrive. The more we do harm to minority marginalized oppressed and otherwise vulnerable groups. The more we do harm to the mental and emotional and the physical health of young people. The more we do harm to our own future only because of our raging and belligerent dogmatism and refusal to think critically about these things” (29)

Capitalism loves doomers. It loves prophecies that lead to inaction and apathy. It will uphold these voices and dampen the voices of the exploited that just want their current situation to get better. We need to stop buying into doomist propaganda and trying to help people and the environment.

One of the reasons capitalism thrives so much is because we already intrinsically know that it is bad. But we cannot fathom any other alternative. And so instead of trying to better our situation, we instead sit and wait for our situation or ourselves to die and hope that in death we may escape the evils of capitalism.

“We live in a contradiction, a brutal state of affairs, profoundly inegalitarian – where all existence is evaluated in terms of money alone – is presented to us as ideal. To justify their conservatism, the partisans of the established order cannot really call it ideal or wonderful. So instead, they have decided to say that all the rest is horrible. Sure, they say, we may not live in a condition of perfect Goodness. But we’re lucky that we don’t live in a condition of Evil. Our democracy is not perfect. But it’s better than the bloody dictatorships. Capitalism is unjust. But it’s not criminal like Stalinism. We let millions of Africans die of AIDS, but we don’t make racist nationalist declarations like Milosevic. We kill Iraqis with our airplanes, but we don’t cut their throats with machetes like they do in Rwanda, etc..” (2, quoting Alain Badiou)

The capitalist wants us to think that either we have no option other than capitalism or that we will die soon anyways so acting at all is useless. It wants us to think that there is nothing we can do and because there is nothing we can do then we should do nothing at all. But that is also individualist propaganda. If enough people stop working, the entire economy would shut down. If enough people speak up, eventually everyone will hear. If enough people show up, then eventually everyone will see.

Social media shows us both what we want to see and what it wants us to see. The no kings protest in America was probably the largest one day protest in American history and only 1-5% of the population showed up. Could you imagine if just 10% of the population showed up to a protest? (Which would be roughly 34 million people). 60% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck which is roughly 204 million people. People that the system depends on and is actively exploiting.

Instead of wallowing in our exploitation and becoming worker drones that do whatever the capitalists wants, we need to hold onto even a sliver of hope that we can change the future for the better. When faced with adversity, the last thing you have to keep you going is hope.

I have spent almost two months writing this knowing that it will probably not really be seen by anyone or do anything, but that is not the point. When we are going up against a system that is actively hurting us all we can do is hope that maybe others will join. Alone we are small, but together we can move mountains.

“What if no one shows up to the protest?” But what if everyone does? That is how we need to think. We need to dream of a better future and do everything we can to get us there even if it may be impossible.

It is really easy to fake caring about something, but it is a lot harder to fake showing up.

Return to community and humanity:

One of the things that capitalism has stripped from us is community. But, I argue, community is one of the things that gives our lives meaning. It fulfills the desire to be special and it fulfills the desire to be a part of something bigger. Finding communities in your local area (or online if you are unable to join any local communities) and helping those communities will help to heal parts of our broken individualistic mindset.

We also need to push for more and well funded social services. Donald Trump and others are looking to get rid of as many social services as possible, but these social services are what helps make life livable for people, and without them a lot of people will die or struggle and suffer a lot more than they have to. I was raised with money that my dad got from social security for being disabled and I know many people who have at one time or another needed food stamps or medicare/medicaid. These are real people who depend on these services in order to live.

Protesting in person and online is also helpful as well as volunteering in your local community or local protests.

I dream of a better future for all of us and I hope that one day we can escape this hellish system and live fulfilling lives where our self worth is not determined by our ability to make rich people money or our ability to be an asset to the government.

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Books/Essays:

The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels

Capitalist Realism - Is there no other alternative? by Mark Fisher

The Illusion of Choice by Richard Shotton

The Uses of the Blues by James Baldwin

Everybody’s Protest Novel by James Baldwin

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality - A Black Asexsual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown

Religion and the Rise of Capitalism by Benjamin M. Friedman

The Revolutionary Self - Social Change and the Emergence of the Modern Individual by Lynn Hunt

Cultish by Amanda Montell

Democracy in America by Alexis de Tocqueville

Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism by Vladimir Lenin

Articles:

Prisoners in the US are part of a hidden workforce linked to hundreds of popular food brands

Undocumented immigrants at work: invisibility, hypervisibility, and the making of the modern slave

Anxious? Depressed? You might be suffering from capitalism: contradictory class locations and the prevalence of depression and anxiety in the USA

Testing hypotheses about the harm that capitalism causes to the mind and brain: a theoretical framework for neuroscience research

The Kids Aren’t Alright: Creating Greater Protections for the Children of Family Vloggers

Do prisons use third grade reading scores to predict the number of prison beds they’ll need?

Possessive Individualism: A Crisis of Capitalism

Capitalism: A Contemporary Manifestation of Colonialism

The Prehistory of Possessive Individualism

Hallucinatory 'voices' shaped by local culture, Stanford anthropologist says

Closing the empathy gap: A narrative review of the measurement and reduction of parochial empathy.

Youtube Videos:

Why Capitalism Loves Doomers

How Capitalism Ruined American Education

John Holmwood, Modern capitalism as colonialism: Rethinking CB Macpherson's possessive individualism

Jon Stewart – One of My Favorite People - What Now? with Trevor Noah Podcast

Including Tiktok videos by (since there’s the possibility of my tiktok account being somehow linked when sharing a url, I will just name the creators):

cypher.j

maklelan (specifically #maklelan2754)

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Wow this took so long! I read so many books (more than what is cited) and articles and watched so many videos. This basically consumed my life for the last month and a half or two months, I’m not sure how long it has been. I spent way too much money on books so I got a library card and went to the library every day I could.

I had to leave some things out because it would have taken me forever if I talked about every single aspect of capitalism. I had to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dissertation and that it's just a ‘stupid’ essay that I’m writing. (I mean stupid in the capitalist sense that I am not gaining anything monetarily or academically from writing this. But it definitely made me want to go back to school so I might try to figure out how to do that.)

I am going to try to include some art in my next pieces (or I will edit this or my older essay and include art with them).

I know very few people are probably going to see this and even fewer people are going to finish it, so I am very thankful if you go to this point!! I just write essays for fun because I am unemployed ish and have a lot of free time.

If you don’t like something I said I am very accepting of constructive criticism. Like I said, I want this to be a part of a larger conversation even if aspects of that conversation don’t agree with my opinions.

This is not beta read, we die like the American dream.

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